It has been really hard to remember lately why sick was bad. I keep trying to remember the things I hated about being sick, but much like delivering a child, time has a whiskey effect and it doesn't seem as bad as I know it was. Orange seems like a comforting friend holding her hand out to me and it hurts to turn my back and keep walking. I know she can't really comfort me but she keeps promising that she can, that this time she has really changed, that she won't abuse her power anymore.
So tonight I made more sticky notes. I made more notes of why I need to eat. I have notes to put in or on that adorable new lunch bag I just got. I have reasons that eating is important.
How about you? Anything to add? What reasons do you eat when you desperately want to avoid food? Do you write them down?
i love the idea of the post it notes!!
ReplyDeletesometimes, we go through those points in recovery where we start to question why being sick was so bad. I think those are the times that the ed is trying to lure us back in without us realizing. would it help if you wrote out a list of reasons why being sick IS bad? I did that once in treatment and i would read it everytime i felt urges to run back to the ed. Just an idea ; )
Jenn, I like that idea. I should have done that when the memories were fresh. I KNOW why is wasn't good to be sick but I don't really FEEL it anymore. I keep hearing the voice over my shoulder saying I was never really THAT sick. I tell myself I didn't nearly die because suicide isn't what people are talking about when they discuss eating disorders and nearly dying. It is like I know it was bad but I don't really remember why.
DeleteI'm holding my recovery ground but it is slippery up here and I feel like the slightest breeze could send me tail spinning. I'm taking it one day at a time, some days one bite at a time. And I just keep trying to focus on what I want my future to look like.
Today's lunch was brought to you by the thought of wanting to grow old with my husband. I have to eat to grow old. Right now I think I need to focus on what life could be because I just can't seem to remember what it used to be.
I LOVE that last paragraph! ; ) it's those kinds of thoughts that are going to help you hang on to recovery. Just keep writing and thinking those kinds of thoughts. And that could be a way for you to make a list. you don't have to make the list all in one day, write one thing every day or every week and just keep adding to it - it will make you stronger when you are fighting the ed thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand when you say that you KNOW it's bad but you don't FEEL it. And that can be frusterating and discouraging (and dangerous) but you just need to keep believing, talking about it with people you trust, and hold on to it as tight as you can. These times in recovery can be the most frusterating sometimes because it's kind of like being in limbo... neither here nor there... neither recovery or relapse. but it doesn't mean it's bad. It's a natural part of the recovery process. You had the ed for a long time and it's not just going to go away. it takes time to get every part of it out of you. Ed's grow roots that grow all throughout you and one step at a time you cut off a part of the root. I hope that made sense. lol.
Sorry for rambling, I just want you to know that you are doing great! I know you are probably too overwelmed to see that, but you are! You are stronger than the ed and things WILL get better! ; )
The simple power of a post-it note... I love the messages you wrote! If you haven't already, check out operation beautiful. It's kinda like what you've done already, only sharing the gift even more :)
ReplyDelete