temperamental life coaching

I just spoke with a life coach about my "friend".  Yes, I talked to him about me.  And, yes, I am that big of a weenie that I didn't tell him we were talking about me.  I'm pretty sure he knew though.  I thought if we were on the phone, he would buy my story as my friends rather than my own.  Now I chuckle at myself.  We were on the stinkin phone not face to face, why on earth was I scared to tell him that it was my life that is so messed up, not my friends?

I've been studying temperaments a lot lately.  So far, the person I have resonated with the most has been Ray W. Lincoln (click here for his website).  In doing the temperament test, I am a NF.  In a nutshell, that describes me better than I ever could.  I am part of only 4% of the population who have this temperament.  It is characterized by deep introspection, perfection tendencies, idealism, and deep sensitivity.  As I have been studying the 4 temperaments (NF, NT, SP and SJ), I began to see some patterns. It seemed to me that the NF has the most to lose emotionally from deep trauma and has the hardest time to moving past it, so I emailed Ray and asked if this was true. He agreed.

My next question was how do you help anyone recover from trauma but especially a NF who internalizes it more than the others.  In telling him my "friend's" story he told me that my friend probably needs some professional help.  While I could help to raise her spirits and that would help on a temporary level, she needs more.  She needs help continuing to see hope for the future.  When she doesn't see a calling, a passion a hope for the future, she will spiral into deep depression.  The cycle will continue.  Giving her a break from her atmosphere, bringing beauty to her life, and helping her to see hope for tomorrow will help but only temporarily.  The trauma must be dealt with so that she can be who God created her to be on the inside.

I know this.  I live this.  I do better for a time, then I spiral out of control to such a dark place that I forget what light looks like.  I guess I had hoped that someone would tell me an easy way to do this.  I guess I had hoped that someone would just say, "Oh yeah, you can do this.  No big deal, you'll make it through on your own."  Somehow that is not the case.  The universal consensus from everyone I talk to is that I need help getting through this.  My psychiatrist says I'm looking better than the last time I saw him but still recommends that I seek professional help in the form of EMDR, counseling, or coaching.  My PCP recommends that I get professional help.  So I know that I need to get help, why am I dragging my feet so much on actually doing it?  What am I so afraid of?

I'm interested to hear what temperament types others fall into.  If you feel like taking the temperament quiz in the link above (it takes about 10 min), would you mind sharing with me what your temperament is? (to get to the test, go to the this link.  Add the temperament test to your shopping cart, IT IS FREE.)

how you can pray

So, last post for today.  Many of you have asked how to help, how to pray.  In my counseling session last week, I came across an area you could pray for me in.  My therapist asked me on a scale of 1-10 (one being not at all and 10 being I'd do anything to get there) how much do I want to get better.  I told her it depends on the day.  There are days that I hate what I'm doing to myself and know that my family deserves better than this and I want desperately to get better.  Then there are days when I don't care if I ever get better.  She asked me about my relationship with food and how food makes me feel.

Here's my answer to that question.  When food is in my mouth, it tastes good.  By the time I have swallowed, it has a horrible taste. I feel absurdly sick when I am done eating and wish I was one of those people who could throw up.  Feeling empty makes me feel empowered and euphoric.  I have never used drugs, but the way I feel is definitely chemical, and what I would guess being high is like.  (Hungry is different than empty.  When I feel hungry, I feel weak.)

She asked if anything else gave me those feelings.  I realized that while some things do make me feel empowered, nothing is as strong of a feeling as starving myself.  She asked me if I'm willing to give up that feeling then.  Here's my answer and where you can pray for me, I'm willing to be willing.  I am not there yet.  I don't know how to give up those feelings but I want to have a desire to.  I guess that is a start, right?  You can pray for me to want to give up the feelings of euphoria and empowerment that starving gives me.

my therapist

I am not entirely crazy about my new therapist. She is not a Christian nor does she have much understanding of Christianity. In our first session she asked me if I follow a faith. I said yes and then proceeded to tell her that I do not believe we can control God with our obedience. If I give enough, go to every church function, pray hard enough and read my Bible every day, I don't believe that means that God is going to give me everything I ask for. *side note- I have said often that God is more concerned with our eternal soul than our temporal comfort. Needless to say, life won't always be comfortable here on earth. That doesn't take away from God's goodness. His goodness is shown in that He is constantly refining us and preparing us for the day when we with be in constant and complete companionship with him.* I told her if I can control God with my actions and obedience, then He is small enough to fit in my box and if He is small enough to fit in my box, He isn't big enough to be God. She looked at me and smiled and I felt like the "yes, dear" pat on the head.


Then last week, she gave me a great analogy. Imagine your favorite pair of jeans, the ones that the moment you put them on, they remember your curves and feel like the most comfortable jeans you have ever put on. One day you buy a new pair of jeans. No matter if you buy the same brand and size, no matter if you spend hundreds of dollars, the jeans need breaking in and are still a bit stiff and uncomfortable. Eventually as you wash the jeans several times and continue to wear them, they become your favorite jeans and you wouldn't trade them for anything. New habits are the same. At first they are uncomfortable but as you continue to "wear" them and "wash" them, over time they become your new favorite habits. I smiled and told her about my old youth pastor who used to say, right choices bring right feelings. Sounded pretty similar to me. If you continue to make right choices even when it doesn't feel like what you want to do, eventually you will feel like doing the right thing.
My therapist was defensive at this. She said she doesn't believe that there is only one right way and she would probably change the saying to "healthy choices bring healthy feelings". Well she may not believe in absolute rights and wrongs but how can you say that what I've done to my body is right?????? It seems so glaringly obvious that I am making WRONG choices right now!

I am grateful for the referrals from friends as I search for a new counselor, one who is a Christian!  I need someone who will point me back to the loving arms of Christ.  There is not healing to be found anywhere else.  Healing is not within me, it's within Him and Him alone.  So I've cancelled my appointment for this week and am following leads given to me from godly sources.  I know that He will direct me to the person He has for me.

2nd appointment

Hmmmm, I had my 2nd therapy appointment today at the Eating Disorder Center.  I have to do some processing before I update fully, but I think it was a good session.  She wants me to journal more to help pinpoint triggers.  I can do that.  I journal and blog anyway.  She wants  hubby to come with me at some point to share what it is like living with me when I am restricting.  Sometimes it helps, she said, to hear how your actions are affecting others around you.  Interesting, and while I really don't want to hear it, I kinda do.  I don't want to hear how I hurt my family through this, but that is simply because I want to continue to pretend that I'm only hurting me.  So, I'll process and write more later, but for now I'm just glad to be back on my  blog.