child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, August 30, 2010

how you can pray

So, last post for today.  Many of you have asked how to help, how to pray.  In my counseling session last week, I came across an area you could pray for me in.  My therapist asked me on a scale of 1-10 (one being not at all and 10 being I'd do anything to get there) how much do I want to get better.  I told her it depends on the day.  There are days that I hate what I'm doing to myself and know that my family deserves better than this and I want desperately to get better.  Then there are days when I don't care if I ever get better.  She asked me about my relationship with food and how food makes me feel.

Here's my answer to that question.  When food is in my mouth, it tastes good.  By the time I have swallowed, it has a horrible taste. I feel absurdly sick when I am done eating and wish I was one of those people who could throw up.  Feeling empty makes me feel empowered and euphoric.  I have never used drugs, but the way I feel is definitely chemical, and what I would guess being high is like.  (Hungry is different than empty.  When I feel hungry, I feel weak.)

She asked if anything else gave me those feelings.  I realized that while some things do make me feel empowered, nothing is as strong of a feeling as starving myself.  She asked me if I'm willing to give up that feeling then.  Here's my answer and where you can pray for me, I'm willing to be willing.  I am not there yet.  I don't know how to give up those feelings but I want to have a desire to.  I guess that is a start, right?  You can pray for me to want to give up the feelings of euphoria and empowerment that starving gives me.

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