child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

misplaced guilt

Misplaced as it is, I have a very extreme case of guilt right now.  The last couple of days have been easier to eat.  This morning I took my 3 year old to our family's traditional first day of preschool breakfast.  I then, for lunch, proceeded to cave to my beyond extreme craving for chocolate and ate a couple of peanut butter cups.  Tonight I had dinner with my family.  I feel so sick to my stomach and have for most of the day.  I also feel so very out of control.  It seems crazy to say that.  Here I have been saying that I want to get better but then when I make steps to try to achieve my goal, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and I'm guilt ridden.

I'm sure part of the guilt lies in the fact that thanks to hormones, I have had such an obscene craving for chocolate.  I have caved a couple of times because this is almost equivalent to pregnancy cravings.  It is the kind of craving that is so strong that it makes you feel almost like you will get sick if you don't indulge it.  I cried when my husband brought home chocolate donuts.  They looked so good.  I only had a part of one, just less than half.  I am feeling so very conflicted about food.  On one hand, I have a desire to eat and to be healthy.  On the other hand I despise food and that we are dependent on it.  If I could live a happy, healthy life that never included another meal, I would do it! 

Yesterday was a 10, I desperately wanted to get better at all costs.  Today is a 4, I kinda want to get better but not really too much.  I have started exercising quite a bit more as well.  I am terrified to go back to the body I had.  Sounds stupid, especially if you know me, but it is indeed how I feel. 

So all of that said, I need to go and immerse myself in the truth of the Word.  If I don't the lie will most definitely win this time!  The lies are pouring through my brain almost faster than I can sort through them right now.  Pray for the truth to saturate me even more than the lies have.

Oh, completely random but don't want to forget, my bone scan came back ok.  There is no visable bone mass loss.  Several people have asked so I wanted to remember to update that.

1 comment:

  1. just wanted to say I love you. I love you for your honesty and your willingness to share with each of us. You may find this hard believe but it helps me to stop and think and reflect with my Lord about my own stuff!!! It is a good thing to be a stuff sharer. Tami