child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, September 4, 2010


I battle with myself as to how much I should share and how much I should keep private.  On one hand, I want people to understand the thoughts behind some of the actions of someone going through this.  On the other hand, I never want to say so much that my words cause someone else to relapse or are a "challenge" to someone going through it.  I guess right now I'm just going to spill and then preview and edit before posting.

After carrying three children inside of me, my body responds much much differently to not eating than it used to.  Like for instance, when I was younger I just got skinnier and skinnier.  Now however, as I lose weight, my skin seems to be hanging off of me.  My stretch marks now look funny because they are now loosely hanging instead of stretched across my stomach and thighs. 

My hair is falling out.  Every time I brush my hair, I end up having to clean out my brush.  So much is coming out on my brush and it is happening several times a day.  My hair is so thick that others probably don't notice.  My husband has seen it but I am sure he hasn't yet associated it with anorexia.  He hasn't said anything and he would if he thought it was something to be concerned about.

Once upon a time I could wear my husbands pajama bottoms and tie them and wear them just baggy.  Tonight I put them on and pulled the strings as tight as they go and they are still in danger of falling off.

According to the Wii fit, I have dropped below the weight I held when we got married and have even dropped below my late high school years.  Probably not good, huh?  Of course, I don't believe the scale on the Wii is correctly collaborated so on a real scale it is probably not that bad.

My mother in law lightly smacked me with a paper the other day and told me I had lost too much weight and she was worried about me.  I played it off.  I told her it wasn't that much and that I had gained some of it back.  She gave me the "look". She informed me that I was going to get my resistance down and then get sick and the boys need me to be able to take care of them.  Nothing she said was incorrect, or said in a mean way, yet still, I was pretty upset about the conversation.  I asked hubby why it bothered me soooooo much to hear it from his mom.  His thought is that no matter how much a wife and MIL like each other, there will always feel like there is some minor (or in some cases major) competition.  The two women who love him more than any other, the one who carried him in her body and birthed and reared him and the woman who has pledged her life to him and has carried his children in her body, will always feel to some extent a bit of competition as to who loves him more.  Makes sense, but I don't think it is entirely that.

I think some of it lies in that his mom is Pollyanna.  No matter how bad things get, she won't acknowledge the bad (or if she does it is extremely short lived) and is always trying to make everything better.  She grew up much with a tough it out background and that is what she does.  She just sucks it up and continues her life.  I know it isn't reality, but I feel like I am almost being told to put on my big girl panties and get over it.  I know she is just concerned and I know that she loves me.  I still feel weird about her noticing though.  She has been scrutinizing my dinner plate at family dinner for the past few weeks.  I am very aware of her watching even on the occasions that she doesn't say anything.

My parents however, are as oblivious as ever.  If they suspect or know or have noticed anything, they haven't mentioned it.  And let's be honest, I love my parents to death, but they aren't known for keeping their opinions to themselves.

Ok, I know I have more to say but  I am so very exhausted that I want to fall asleep here on the keyboard.  Sorry if I gave TMI or if I have typos, I'm just too very tired to go over and edit.

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