child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

rough day with encouraging spots

It has been a rough day.  I still don't feel like I'm totally adjusted to the new medicine that they put me on in the hospital.  Today was the first day I didn't wake up dizzy since I started it.  I still felt nervous and jittery all day though.  If people with ADD feel regularly like I feel on this medicine, no wonder they can't sit still in a classroom!  I've had a very down day.  It is not a day that the retaining wall on the highway looks appealing, stop worrying!  I started the day a little sad, no reason in particular, just sad.  Then I got anxious and nervous and jittery a little later.  My kids have had massive tudes today and my house is suddenly a disaster again in just a few short hours.  I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.  Homework tonight took its toll on all of us.  I made my kindergartener take a "brain break" because I was getting frustrated with the homework and with him and with my second grader. 

Today I saw my regular doctor.  I love my doctor!  She started out the conversation with, "How are you?  I have been so worried about you!"  She also spent 45 minutes with me.  What doctor does that anymore?  She is cutting the dose of the med that makes me feel so jittery in half.  I'm pleased about that.  She told me not to take it tonight at all and then start tomorrow night on the half dose.  Hopefully that will help with the nervous energy, tiredness, and anxiety.  She is also a Christian and gave me some great Christian resources on depression.  She also printed out an article about low valleys for me.  I loved the way it started, with an African proverb, "Smooth waters do not make skilled sailors."  I really like that comment.  How do I get good at navigating life if I never experience storms?  It is looking rather stormy for me right now.  Fortunately though, clouds never stay in the same place and eventually the sun will shine brightly again. 

A friend of mine told me that the new Steven Curtis Chapman album, Beauty Will Rise, is amazing.  I checked it out from the library and am now convinced I have to buy it.  For those of you who don't know, his young daughter was run over last year in a tragic accident and died.  The entire cd is songs about trusting God through the pain.  The lyrics have so ministered to me lately.  The songs are expressing God's faithfulness, His sovreignty, and His goodness, all while still struggling with questions like how could a God so good create a world with so much pain.  It really hits home right now and has taken the place of Casting Crowns as my new favorite cd.

While in the hospital, when my pastor visited me, he read to me from Romans 8.  After he left, I read the entire chapter on my own.  The chapter starts with "therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  The verses he read to me were later in the chapter but that verse stopped me dead in my tracks and made me cry.  I was feeling so guilty over the thoughts that had brought me to the hospital in the first place.  As I'm sure you have probably experienced as well, it is difficult to come to God when you feel guilty.  Yet I felt the Lord telling me that He still loves me and does not condemn me and I can come to Him without guilt.  It is a very powerful chapter.

Today I read Romans 7.  It is there that Paul talks about the law of sin at work in us because we do not behave as we ought or how we desire but continue to sin.  Yep, that is me all right.  Though I am still down, I have found encouragement in the word, specifically in Romans right now.  Thank God that He doesn't expect me to clean up before I come to Him!  Thank God that He does the clean up in my heart and meets me where I am!  Thank God that He is faithful even when I am not.  I am thankful for words like "I believe but Lord help my unbelief."  I am thankful to know that I am neither the first nor the last person to have hurts in my life and that He is willing to bear my burdens.

Now, to get over the guilt I feel when I eat and to realize I am not over indulging by allowing food in my life again........

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