I have a coffee in hand and a to do list half a mile long that must be finished before I leave the house in the morning, and yet, where do I find myself longing to be? Journaling. I am however too tired to actually journal so the next best thing is blogging.
I am having a hard time finding a Christian counselor who will accept my insurance. Most are "out of network" which would mean I'd have to fulfill a $3500 deductable before insurance even begins to kick in. At around $100/visit, I'd be going weekly for over half the year before my insurance would help me out!!!!!!! I have been looking into my referrals. I contacted the first one, she doesn't accept my insurance and though she does work on a sliding scale, she is allowed only a certain number of low pay patients at a time and is currently full. She referred me to someone else who used to work in an eating disorder center. This woman's bio is amazing! She seemed like a good fit. She is out of network though. She is willing to do a sliding scale but the amount I have been paying is $20/visit and she can't go that low. I really don't see us being able to do more than that, so I am once again at square one. One the upside, I still have 3 more referrals to check into before I'm completely back at the beginning.
I have been allowing (more like forcing) myself to drink more milk. When my bones were aching sooooo badly, and then my bone scan came back ok, I decided to experiment with adding more calcium. I have to force myself to think of how badly my bones were hurting to keep myself from adding up the calories and cutting back the milk again. It is helping immensely. I still sometimes hurt but not nearly to the extent that I was.
I have been eating a little bit more. Yesterday was, in my mind, a total binge day. I didn't realize until I started telling a friend that I felt that way, that I still had significantly less than a normal person yesterday! But it was significantly more than what I have been doing though, so I guess that is good.
I had a dream last night and the night before that kinda bothered me. I have to be careful of how I word the details because someone I know was in the dream. I had a friend who I always had thought of as a protector. He once made quite a big verbal show about something that involved protecting me. The problem lies in that I have recently realized that what my heart told me then, that it was a lot of words with no punch, all bark and no bite, is true. In my dream abusive boyfriend had really beat me up (in reality he only hit my legs so no one would see the marks) and I had bruises everywhere. I saw this friend and he asked me what had happened. I told him abusive boy had beat me up. He acted really upset by this news. His eyes bugged out and he swore he was going to make sure things were "squared up" and that I would never be hurt again. Then I saw him hanging out, drinking, joking and bowling with abusive boy. He pretended he didn't see me. The next time abusive boy beat me up, this "friend" didn't even acknowledge it until I confided in him that the hitting was getting much worse and I was scared. He accused me of lying about the abuse and then said it really wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be and that the abuser was actually a good guy at heart and probably didn't mean to hurt me. I stared in shock and disbelief and then as I was feeling the bruises on my face, I woke up.
I did leave out a bit of that dream and the story that went with it. The whole dream really disturbed me. Partly because I was dreaming about being hit again, and worse than it actually was when I was in the situation. But a big part of it was expecting to be protected and instead being betrayed. I hated feeling like, and knowing there is some amount of truth in it, that someone who I always thought would protect me to the end, be there for me forever and stand up for the truth, was actually just saying words to make me feel better. I want to be protected. I seriously wish hubby had been in that dream, I would have felt protected!
So as for prayer needs, still that I would have a desire to let go. I am very aware of the prayers I have been covered with; though I'm not fully "there" yet, I can feel more desire to be there. Please pray that I find a Christian counselor quickly who I can afford. Pray that the Lord will cover over and protect my sleep. I find that dreams for me are often ugly and sometimes unbearable. When dreams come to me, they usually plague me with horrifyingly vivid pictures that make me despise sleep. As I get less sleep, or more troubled sleep, the cycle of not eating ALWAYS gets easier. And one last thing, pray for strength and grace for hubby and kids as they have to live with this and it is affecting them as well as me. It may be affecting them even more than me, I know it is much harder for me personally to watch someone I love struggle, especially when I can't help them.
Thanks for reading my babbling and for all the prayers and encouragement I have received. I have been overwhelmed with support and love from so many people. I am honestly shocked (in a good way!) that I have received support and not any condemnation! Thanks friends for being the body of Christ and allowing His arms to heal instead of wound deeper.
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