worth it

The depression has been dark.  Hubby has been kind.  Yesterday was one in a series of days that he took care of me both physically and emotionally.  In the quiet darkness of our bedroom, I lean into his arms.  I whisper thank you for taking care of me today.  He brushes hair from my face, leans into my ear and whispers back the last words I heard before sleep came, "You're worth taking care of."
Words he repeated again by mornings light, just to make sure that I had heard them.  I shake my head, I don't understand.  But I am grateful that he does.  I'm worth the effort, even though sometimes it is great. 

What I learned from helping my son

My baby has been struggling.  For several months he has randomly started crying and telling me he is sad. Recently it is becoming more and more frequent.  He never knows why he is sad or what is causing him to go from laughing to crying in a matter of minutes.  As the girl who did deal with childhood depression, I worry.  The other day he climbed in my lap, stroked my hair and said, "Mamma, I'm just sad."

I have no answers or cures for him.  But I happen to be struggling with the same thing currently so I hugged him tightly and told him that I get sad for no reason sometimes too.  I grabbed my Bible that I had been reading before he came in and read Philippians 4:4-8 to him.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!

We can choose to have joy.

Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.

God is near us, Baby.

Do not be anxious about anything, 

That means we aren't supposed to worry.

but in everything, by prayer and petition, 

with thanksgiving, present your request to God.

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding

will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

That means that God gives us peace in our hearts that is bigger than our brains can understand.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true,

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely

 whatever is admirable

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy

think on these things.

Baby, that means that God wants us to spend our time thinking about the things 

in our lives that we are thankful for, for the blessings He gives us, and every good thing.

Tell me something you are thankful for, something that makes you smile.  "I don't know, Mamma.  I can't think of anything."  Well, I can tell you something  that makes me smile.  You make me smile.  I'm thankful for you.  Now it is your turn.

You.

Coffee in my Christmas mug.

My monkeys.

That our heater works.

Playing with my friends at recess.

Hugs and kisses.

Brothers.

The conversation continued for several minutes.  And then his sweet voice says, "Mamma, I still feel sad."  I know, Baby.  We will still get sad sometimes.  What we need to do is hold on to those things we are thankful for, those things that make us smile, until  the sadness passes.  And at some point the sadness will pass.  Hold on to those good things until the sadness passes. 

I don't know how long it will be until my sadness passes, but I will continue to greet the day with intentional thankfulness until the sadness passes.  I will continue to hold on to the things that are true, noble, worthy of praise and trust that God is indeed near and that He will indeed guard my heart and mind with His peace. 

God in the ordinary

Yesterday at church, Pastor passed the microphone around for anyone to say what they are thankful for.  Person after person stood up and told tales of how God had moved mightily.  I never talk when they pass the microphone, but yesterday the tug at my soul was far too great.  I still wasn't going to speak but the microphone got handed right next to my head and I suddenly was reaching for it.

"I have nothing profound to say." I heard the strange echo of my own voice being broadcast to each person in the sanctuary.  "I am just thankful that I am at church with my whole family.  We've been battling the crud and missed the last five weeks of church while we each passed sickness to the next. I'm thankful today that my family is healthy enough, finally, that we could come to church today!"

I sat with the sick feeling in my stomach that comes when I talk in front of large groups.  But I didn't regret standing.  On the way home, I told Hubby I don't usually talk when they give the opportunity.  He said he was glad that I did this time.  And as I talked to him I knew exactly why I felt so drawn to share.

I was thankful for something small.  I was thankful for the fact that God showed up in an ordinary way in my life.  In comparison to the stories of miracles upon miracles, it was not worth celebrating.  But see that is the reason that I needed to celebrate.  Is it possible that we often miss God because we are looking for the wonderous not the ordinary?  Do we too often look over the ways that God says "I love you, Child" because we haven't seen glory surrounding it? 

I'm thankful for stories of brain surgeries that were successful against the odds.  I'm thankful for stories of job transfers that brought the person to a place where the owner had been praying for a godly man to fill the position and God directed both parties to each other.  I'm thankful for the prodigals who renewed relationships with their families and for the family finally able to adopt their special needs child after a long and hard road.  Those are amazing stories and well worth celebrating. 

But so are the little stories.  The stories that say my family is finally over thier colds, that someone who feels overwhelmed was able to wake up with a smile for the first time in weeks, that the rolls you made on Thanksgiving turned out well, that your favorite song came on the radio.  You get it.  There are a million ways God says He loves us and if we only wait to hear the big ones, we will miss out on so much of God.

Oddly enough, I was just sitting at my desk reading a book my dear friend gave me.  And I read these words,

"Isn't it here? The wonder?  Why do I spend so much of my living hours struggling to see it?  Do we truly stumble so blind that we must be afronted with blinding magnificence for our blurry soul-sight to recognize grandeur?  The very same surging magificence that cascades over our every day here.  Who has time or eyes to notice?"

 

That paragraph came from One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  If you haven't read it, you should.  It is a beautiful book.  I just loved that the day after I told Hubby that we miss God in the day to day because we look for Him only in the extrodinary would be the day that I read in such poetic form the exact sentiment.

 

What are you thankful for today?  In the midst of pain there is still something beautiful.  In the midst of suffering God still says I love you.  How will you hear it today?  A song that soothes the soul, an email from an old friend, the falling of snowflakes on a quiet day, a cup of coffee in a favorite mug or shared with a friend.  Whatever it is, know that God is saying He loves us today, and we need only to hear it in our own languages. 

as not instead

This is the comment I made on a friend's Facebook status:

The 2 greatest commandments are about love, love God, love others. That's pretty much what Christianity boils down to, love. We love them, God is the one who changes hearts.

Thinking of that verse, you know "Love your neighbor as yourself" I thought of something I once read or heard somewhere.  The source fails me but the message remains, it says to love my neighbor AS myself not love my neighbor INSTEAD of myself.


I am not certain I fully understand that concept so I'm going to continue to mull on it.  Just some thoughts to ponder.  There are many more but I'm on my lunch break at work and don't have time to write the other thoughts I am pondering. 

Even If....

My new favorite song Even If by Kutless......

Last week was hard.  Really, REALLY hard.  I've decided that suicidal thoughts come in many forms.  I've had days of actively wanting to kill myself.  Last week I didn't want to actually kill myself but I just wanted to die.  My friend had a time similar this week.  She didn't want to kill herself but wished that someone else would kill her.  And it is all suicidal ideations whether it is wanting to kill myself, wanting to die or wanting someone else to take your life.  And it is scary. 

It is scary to fantasize about dying.  Even when I am in a good place I still wonder what it would be like to die.  Even when I am loving my life and not overwhelmed with depression, I still wonder what would happen if I took the entire bottle of pills.  I still think about it, maybe not all the time, but regularly. 

Last week I heard this song for the first time.  It is truly what I believe.  This song has moved my heart.  If my healing never comes, if I struggle with depression, suicidal ideation, and eating disorders for the rest of my life, it won't change WHO  God is.  He is still good, even if my healing never comes.

truth and humor

There is far too much going on in my brain.  Hubby often tells me that the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.  So I guess tonight the elephant in my brain will be tackled one subject at a time. 

I read an interesting statement on my daily calendar earlier this month that has stuck with me. 

"When we are lost, when we are homeless, 

when we've spent years separated from who we are,

threats of failed hearts or joint pressure don't move us.

Dying does not frighten those who are already half dead."

Ganeen Roth

And there it is, the words I have been trying to verbalize for ages of why knowing that an ed is killing you doesn't make the behaviors stop.  It is because you are already half dead.  We know heart attacks happen, kidneys fail, bodies shut down and yet it isn't enough.  Why?  Because dying isn't enough to scare someone who is half dead.  To be quite honest, living is way scarier than dying when you are already half dead.

And now for a funny picture to deliver a truth that I am trying desperately to internalize.  You can thank one of my Facebook friends for this......

can't we just get along?

Friends that I have:
Muslim
Mormon
Catholic, Protestant, Pentacostal, Every Christian denomination in between
Atheist
Praying folks, wishing folks, Light and Love folks, good juju folks
Pro-lifers, Pro-choicers
Gay, straight and unsure of their sexuality
Democrat, Republican, Independent, Tea Party, Green Party, Big government, Small government
Friends who have been drug addicted, friends who have abortions, friends with eating disorders, friends who are alcoholics

You get it, I have friends from every walk of life.  And if you want to read my thoughts about why can't we all just get along click here

feelings and truth

Totally not feeling the self love today.  Not liking my body.  Not liking my emotions.  Not liking my insufficiency at maintaining my house or cooking healthy meals for my family.  Just not feeling the love today.  But my feelings don't change what is true.  Here's to hoping that what is true will change my feelings.

TRUTHS:

• I am enough just the way I am.  
• I am loved and accepted exactly how I am.
• I am a daughter of God, made in His image to reflect His beauty.
• Beauty isn't in the size of my hips or thighs.
• My value doesn't come from a perfect body, a clean house, well behaved children, a great marriage.  My value lies in the fact that God created me.
• an ice cream bar is not the devil and having one occasionally won't kill me or inflate me 3,000 lbs
• I am not a super model but I am still beautiful in my own right.  (That was unbelievably difficult to type and I'm forcing myself to not backspace this whole sentence.)
• I am worth the time.
• I have something valuable to offer. 
• I have a voice and things to say and that doesn't make me difficult, contrary, or ungodly.  It makes me who God designed me to be.
• I'm worth protecting.

Some of those are significantly harder than others to believe much less feel.