anniversaries and healing

Today I want to celebrate a little bit.  It's an anniversary for me but not one most people would celebrate so just bear with me a little while I explain.  On this day 3 years ago relapse hit full force.  Typically one doesn't remember the day things started going south but I do.  I had been allowing disordered thoughts, actions, and habits for more than a year but then something snapped.  July 24, 2010 I drove to the airport to pick up a friend and suddenly every single calorie in my drink attacked my brain.

I panicked and restricted.  I restricted severely.  I exercised until my body collapsed.  It wasn't pretty.  It was among the darkest times of my life.  So why on earth would I want to celebrate the anniversary of the day relapse became official?  Well, because I don't remember the date that I started recovery.  I can celebrate today because I can clearly see how different my life is now than it was on this day 3 years ago.

That is part one of this post.  Where I was then.  And now for where I am today.  

I recently did something brave, something really brave.  Something I thought was a gift for my husband but turned out being a gift for myself as well.  I did a boudoir photo shoot for Hubby's birthday.  This is the 3rd time that I have purchased a package, and the first time that I finally had the courage to actually use it. I just have never been able to convince myself that my body is beautiful enough to take pictures of it.

In a random and quick burst of bravery I called and made the appointment.  Somehow I made myself  show up for the photo shoot.  I'm not particularly modest but I am uncomfortable in my skin.  How on earth that happens I don't know.  My hesitation wasn't about posing in my underware, it was about not liking my body. I'm not really sure if that makes sense but it does in my head.

It was a different experience than I could have even imagined.  It was actually fun.  It was empowering.  I felt pretty even in my own skin!  I didn't tell Hubby I were I was going.  I didn't even tell him after I had done it.  For two weeks I kept the secret.  Finally the day of the consultation I had a friend watch the kids, told Hubby I had a surprise for his birthday and drove him to the photographers.

He was SHOCKED.  He was amazed.  He loved all of it.  And then I was able to finally tell him what had happened to me through the experience.  I was able to tell him how I thought I was giving him a gift but how I had been able to relax and be ok  with my body during the shoot.  I told him how healing this experience had been for me.  I don't know if I can even fully express the healing this brought to my soul.  And at that moment he informed me that I was the best gift I could have ever given him.  The gift wasn't the pictures, the gift was me.  The gift was seeing me smile.  The gift was watching me begin to heal.

mind-maker-upper wanted

My house is quiet.  Hubby isn't feeling well and dozed off a couple of hours ago.  My kids are finally all in bed for the night.  And now I'm torn on what to do with myself.  Two of my very dear girlfriends are hanging out all night watching Twilight movies and just chilling.  They called and asked me to join.  I could.  Hubby even said I could stay the night and hang out if I would so like.

I would like to.  But I also have a quiet house and I kinda want to curl up in my sweatpants and grab a good book.  I've been a pretty lousy friend lately.  I haven't reached out much.  I want to go hang out and it would be good for my friendships for me to hang out.  I also don't want to leave the house.  I don't want to make the 20 minute drive in the dark.  I don't think I really want to stay the night over there which means I need to take the drive home into consideration as well. 

Am I making excuses?  I know I'll have fun if I get off my bum and go.  I'm also freakin exhausted and don't want to work up the energy to get off my bum.  And now is the time that I wish I had a commitment one way or the other.  I suck at making decisions, even more so when both options sound wonderful.  If my family needed me to be here it would be a no brainer.  If I had already planned this and my friends were 100% expecting me, it would be a no brainer.  But neither NEEDS me and I want both.  I need a mind-maker-upper.  Anyone know where they sell such a thing? 

tagged

My darling Amy from  Perfectly Imperfect tagged me and I find things like this to be quite fascinating.  This caters to my love of lists and my love of getting to know others better. I particularly like that not everyone who does this will answer the same questions.  She asked 11 questions for me to answer, I have to give 11 random facts about myself, and then I will ask 11 questions for my tagged buddies to answer.  Here goes!

Rules For Bloggers: (you must repost these)

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you’ve tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ blah blah blah, you legitimately have to tag 11 people!

11 Random Things About Myself:

1. I met my husband just after my 18th birthday and we have been best friends since.
2. I'm a sucker for the color purple, butterflies, ladybugs and all things girly.
3. Lilacs are my favorite flower of all time.  I think God makes them bloom just to see me smile :)   I wish they weren't such a short lived flower.
4. I love being a mom, I adore my children.  But sometimes I don't like them.
5. When I was 5, I fell out of a moving car.  My face was like the stopper on a roller skate and skidded along the pavement taking all of the skin off of the right side of my face.  My kindergarten teacher was so distraught to see me like that she ended up quitting.
6. I'm pretty computer illiterate but look like a computer genius when compared to my parents.
7. I absolutely despise doing dishes more than any other chore in the world.  And my dishwasher is broken, which makes it a billion times worse right now.
8. In high school, I fractured my neck by being hit on the head with a basketball during gym class.
9. I really like nutritional medicine and while I will take regular medicine when needed, I will try the natural remedy first.
10. I am a very loyal friend and hate that natural progression of life means that I don't get to see every one of my friends as regularly as I used to.
11. I absolutely love when someone else brings me a meal and saves me from having to figure out and cook dinner.  I used to like to cook and loved to bake, now I hate to cook and like to bake.

My answers to Amy's questions:

   1.  What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment in life thus far? staying married.  I didn't know if I had what it took when we first got married.  That is a conversation Hubby and I recently had and a post in and of itself for another day.

   2.  If you could go back and change one decision you've ever made, what would it be? I really hurt someone many years ago with something I did.  I didn't know at the time it was wrong but I never made it right after I realized what I had actually done.  I have no idea where that person is on the planet now to make things right at this point so all I can do is tell God and accept His forgiveness.  

   3.  What do you consider to be the best thing about where you live?  it's not humid!  Summer heat can get in the high 90's or low 100's but I can still walk outside without sweating a gallon just to walk to my car.  Or in the winter, even when it gets super cold (which isn't that often) it is never as cold as the humid places I have lived.  It is never the kind of cold that freezes your lungs when you take a breath in.

   4.  What is your biggest fear? my husband dying and having to make it through life and parenting without his support and love

   5.  What is your biggest guilty pleasure?  Twilight books, and anything that involves both chocolate and peanut butter

   6.  What is your favorite song of all time? oh my, I LOVE music and my favorite song changes as the seasons of my life change.  Right now it is Martina McBride's "I'm going to love you through it"

   7.  Describe the best day of your whole life.  I've had some amazing days.  I think the best though was the day my 3rd son was born.  My doctor informed me he was crowning and if I reached down I would be able to feel his head.  When  I reached down, his head fully came out.  My doctor coached me but she let me deliver my own sweet boy.  My hands were the first ever to touch him and hold him.  I brought him up to my chest and they cleaned him and did everything they needed to do with him right there laying on my chest cuddling with his mamma.  Being pregnant and giving birth is among the most amazing of all miracles but being the one to actually deliver my son was the most amazing of the most amazing!

   8.  Do you have any recurring dreams or nightmares? yes, nightmares.  They have gotten less in frequency since being married but not less in intensity.  

   9.  If you could be anywhere else in the world right now, where would you be? Lying on a quiet beach with a good book and a cold drink with no responsibility and nothing to do but lay there and relax!

   10.  What is the best choice you've ever made in life? the best and the hardest has been that I deserve a full and happy life and recovery (and health, both mental and physical) from eating disorder, from PTSD, from a haunting past, and from all the things that have held me hostage over the years of my life

   11.  If you could do it all over again, what would you change? I would have found my voice sooner.


My questions for you:

1. What is your greatest dream in life?
2. In what ways has your life turned out like you had hoped?
3. In what ways has your life been not at all like you had hoped?
4. If you could give one piece of advice to someone, what would it be?
5. What is your favorite and least favorite chore?
6. What is your favorite recipe to make?
7. Do you have a book (or a movie) that you could read/see many times over and still love?
8. Who has been or is the biggest influence in your life and in who you are becoming?
9. What are 3 great, wonderful, positive things about you? (no negative self talk here!  no I'm this but...... comments!)
10. What are  you most thankful for in your life?
11. What is the best advice you have ever received?

Bloggers I tag for the above 11 questions:

(I'm not tagging 11.  Amy already tagged a few of mine, so I will just tag a few.)

    1.  Holly at Eating a Tangerine

    2. Holly at ...breathe, just breathe

    3.  Angela at The Spirit Within

    4. Jess at A Wilderness Love Story
    5. Missy at Beautiful Sturggle
    6. Steph at bright moments during dark times
    7. Sarah at Bearing, Eating, Being  (Sarah, sorry if I double tagged you. I probably did.)

my favorite day of the year

I feel like I am six because though I have always felt it, this year I admitted it.  Today is my favorite day of the year.  Today is my birthday!  I always hesitated to tell people it was my birthday.  I kinda have always felt embarrassed by how much I enjoy it.  It makes no sense.  I usually want to fade into the background and be just a little visible but on my birthday I want to shout it from the rooftops that it is a day that is important.

So for the first time ever, I have said it out loud.  Today is my birthday and August 6th is my favorite day of the entire year!  It was a good birthday too.  I started the morning with a note from my love, then a lovely picture message on my phone of a birthday card.  (grrrrr, I just tried to download pictures of both and for some reason my computer won't let me retrieve those pictures!)

I had a friend come visit and we went to Starbucks so I could use my birthday postcard for a freebie.  I treated myself to a quad shot vanilla latte, something I have never done but thoroughly enjoyed.  Another friend stopped by with what she thought was an early birthday gift only to be thrilled to realize she was dead on the day.  Her gift made me cry.

I suppose I should explain why it made me cry.  See, this calendar used to hang in her room after she and her husband split.  It was her serenity.  I commented on how beautiful it was when I was helping her move.  I got my wedding gown in Paris.  I went to the top of the Eiffel Tower.  I sat on the patio of a bistro with a glass of wine and watched the night lights of Paris come on.  Paris holds a special place in my heart.  Paris also holds a special place in her heart, but that is her story to tell, not mine.  I tried to protest the gift.

"No, this is your special lovey!"

"And now it is your special lovey!"

It was more than a gift.  It was a piece of her heart.

Sadly, I did have to make dinner tonight.  But on the upside, I was smart enough to buy thin crust chicken alfredo pizzas at Costco and specifically saved them for a night when I really needed a break from cooking dinner.  Pizza and a beer for dinner and then off to see the Smurfs with my family.  Cute movie, I enjoyed it but even more so enjoyed my kids laughter at the movie!

I finished off the night by using my treat receipt from Starbucks, pictures with my love (taken by my 8 year old, such a sweetheart!), and a ridiculous amount of birthday wishes on facebook.  I was aware of feeling down and at times very lonely today.  But it was still a beautiful way to turn 30-something and even though my feelings don't often feel it, today I realized that a lot of people really do care about me.  That counts for future encouragement in some way, I am sure!

I am so ridiculously in love with this man!

when your 8 yr old is the photographer and the cell phone is the camera, sometimes pictures turn out a bit blurry.   turning it black and white and editing only can help so much!  :)

Twilight Lover's Annonymous

Hi, my name is Dawn and I am a Twi-dork.  Yes it is true, I love the Twilight Saga.  I am giddy happy today because I just saw the trailer for Breaking Dawn.  I am stupid excited for that movie to come out in November, to the point of nearly wanting to wish the summer away.  I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I love the books well enough to have read them and re-read them.  I own the movies.  I buy them on release date.

So, while I am a dork and in love with Twilight, I am going to still claim this as a win.  Seeing the trailer this morning was just the thing to put a smile on my face and a little bit of a bounce in my step.  I am stupid excited for the new movie.  Anyway around it, it is something making me happy today, something I can look forward to, something that makes my day smiley and giddy.  I'll take smiley and giddy, no matter the cause :)

do you have any guilty pleasures? Maybe something, like me with Twilight, that you are embarrassed that you enjoy it so much? Any movies coming out that you want to see badly enough to pay full price and see on opening day/week?