Today I want to celebrate a little bit. It's an anniversary for me but not one most people would celebrate so just bear with me a little while I explain. On this day 3 years ago relapse hit full force. Typically one doesn't remember the day things started going south but I do. I had been allowing disordered thoughts, actions, and habits for more than a year but then something snapped. July 24, 2010 I drove to the airport to pick up a friend and suddenly every single calorie in my drink attacked my brain.
I panicked and restricted. I restricted severely. I exercised until my body collapsed. It wasn't pretty. It was among the darkest times of my life. So why on earth would I want to celebrate the anniversary of the day relapse became official? Well, because I don't remember the date that I started recovery. I can celebrate today because I can clearly see how different my life is now than it was on this day 3 years ago.
That is part one of this post. Where I was then. And now for where I am today.
I recently did something brave, something really brave. Something I thought was a gift for my husband but turned out being a gift for myself as well. I did a boudoir photo shoot for Hubby's birthday. This is the 3rd time that I have purchased a package, and the first time that I finally had the courage to actually use it. I just have never been able to convince myself that my body is beautiful enough to take pictures of it.
In a random and quick burst of bravery I called and made the appointment. Somehow I made myself show up for the photo shoot. I'm not particularly modest but I am uncomfortable in my skin. How on earth that happens I don't know. My hesitation wasn't about posing in my underware, it was about not liking my body. I'm not really sure if that makes sense but it does in my head.
It was a different experience than I could have even imagined. It was actually fun. It was empowering. I felt pretty even in my own skin! I didn't tell Hubby I were I was going. I didn't even tell him after I had done it. For two weeks I kept the secret. Finally the day of the consultation I had a friend watch the kids, told Hubby I had a surprise for his birthday and drove him to the photographers.
He was SHOCKED. He was amazed. He loved all of it. And then I was able to finally tell him what had happened to me through the experience. I was able to tell him how I thought I was giving him a gift but how I had been able to relax and be ok with my body during the shoot. I told him how healing this experience had been for me. I don't know if I can even fully express the healing this brought to my soul. And at that moment he informed me that I was the best gift I could have ever given him. The gift wasn't the pictures, the gift was me. The gift was seeing me smile. The gift was watching me begin to heal.