child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, September 18, 2010

72 hrs (or a rough 5 days)

Again, I am limited on time but I have several people wondering and worrying so I will try to do a quick update.  Last week I started trying to throw up, in addition to not eating.  I have been blessed/cursed with the inability to throw up.  Believe me, I tried.  When I was trying to throw up, I realized that I had lost control of my control. Restricting food is my way to control things, but as I felt compelled to throw up, I realized that I no longer had control.  I had lost control of my control and it was now controlling me.  That absolutely terrified me.  Saturday late afternoon, I had just finished up at a leadership retreat and was driving aimlessly.  I got out 2 hrs earlier than I had told my family and I was just driving to drive.  I was wanting to run away and hide.  As I was on the highway I started thinking how unfair it is to my family to be watching me go through this.  I have lost so much weight and continue to drop.  I am slowly killing my body, and they are watching me die.  It then occured to me that if I ran the car off the road, they wouldn't have to watch me die.  I continued on the highway fantasizing about running the car into the retaining wall for about 20 minutes before I finally pulled off and parked the car. 

I contacted my best friend to take care of my kids, called my hubby and told him I was not ok and that my friend was on her way to pick up our kids.  I made it home with no more thoughts of intentionally running the car off the road but praying for another car to hit me on the way home.  Hubby took me out for a while.  It was a nice distraction.  He also made me promise to tell my friend the real reason she had the kids overnight.  Sunday I went to pick up the kids and told her of my Saturday.  She is a nurse.  She said that I needed to go away for 3 days.  I didn't understand what she meant and laughed asking how I was going to get away for 3 days.  She said the hospital.  I was freaked out and a little annoyed that she would even say that.  She called my hubby and explained, then she called my doctor's office to see which hospital they wanted me to go to.  Doctor said the nearby hospital where my younger two sons were born and hubby drove me there.  I was put on 72 hr hold.

I have friends who know that 72 hr hold means suicide attempt or threat and so consequently, I have had several people worried about me.  I didn't attempt suicide.  I didn't even feel like the world would be better without me or any of those things.  In my mind it was like being told you have terminal cancer and refusing radiation because you know it won't improve your chances of survival.  I felt like, I am dying slowly anyway, does it matter if things go quickly in an "accident" instead of my family watching me die.  The e.r. that I was at transferred me to a behavioral health center.  I was on lock down without my family, phone or any means of communication from early Monday morning till Thurs afternoon.  It was one of the hardest weeks of my life.  My kids weren't allowed to visit until Wednesday evening and then it was only for 30 min and it had to be out in the hall with a nurse overseeing.  It was a difficult and draining week for all of us. 

I am home now. I am doing better than last week though obviously not 100% yet.  I have started a new medication that will increase my appetite but it makes me feel very tired also.  I have follow up appointments this coming week.  Because I was hospitalized, my insurance now requires that my follow up be with in-network therapists.  My family is waiting for me to go out right now so I need to wrap it up.  I just wanted to update because several people who knew about the 72 hr hold thought that I had actually tried to kill myself and I wanted everyone to know I am ok. 

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