child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, January 26, 2012

narrator in my head

I have had so much on my mind lately and even though I narrate it in my head, I haven't had the attention span or energy to write.  **on a side note, does anyone else narrate their day in their head as if it were a novel to be read?  That's how I always know it's time to write, when my head sounds like sentences, paragraphs and chapters.**

There have been some good days and bad days since the funeral last week.  Hubby called me out one day on not eating.  I thought he hadn't noticed but he had.  Apparently no matter how much I think I can hide it, my body still gives off cues that things are not right.  Like I guess my breath gets sour when I haven't eaten.  Now who would know that but the one who kisses you every day?  Deep down, I think I'm glad he notices those things.  Sometimes it just ticks me off though.  Sometimes I wish there were no one to care enough to save me from myself.  It was so much easier to destroy myself before there was love. 

But I have people who love me.  And I have people I love.  I have been so shaken that Cousin left a widow and 3 not even school age kids behind.  They need him but he isn't there.  It will be Grandpa who teaches the boys how to shave and build and camp.  It will be Mamma who teaches the girl what to look for in a husband and how to be treated by a boy.  It makes me realize how much my own little family needs me.  It makes me realize how selfish my desire to just fade away and become nothing really is.  When slapped with the reality of what having a parent gone looks like, I am thankful that I have people to bring me back down to earth to be here for my family.

I still have plenty of thoughts swirling around in my brain but this is as much as I can articulate right now.  It has been a battle to not let the depression enclose me.  It is there, right on the edge of my consciousness, but hasn't completely overtaken me.  I have to keep fighting.  But I am tired.  Tired of fighting to feel normal, whatever that is.

No comments:

Post a Comment