I woke up sad today. I did what I usually do, I tried to tell myself that it was stupid for me to be sad. I thought about all the blessings in my life and thought about how many I know who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I thought about people who have it much worse than me and told myself I don't deserve to be sad.
But the truth of the matter is that it is ok that I woke up sad. Tomorrow we lay to rest a man who died long before his time (at least on our timeline). Tomorrow we lay to rest a man who was part of our family, long before we are ready to. And I'd be dead inside if that didn't affect me in some way.
It is hard to give myself permission to be sad. Hubby told me it is good to feel my feelings. I know he is right but being allowed to be sad feels very unnatural still. Accepting my sadness feels like a betrayal of all that I have ever known. This is such a strange thing to say, especially since I suffer from depression and wake up sad often. Even on those days though, I still berate myself for feeling down.
I guess I thought if I wrote it, then it would be easier to accept. I'm sad. I am sad for our loss. I am sad for the loss for Hubby's uncle and aunt. I am sad for the loss for Cousin's wife and 3 little ones. I am sad and it is ok and natural for me to feel sad. And all that said, it still makes me feel a little anxious and ill at ease to try to accept my own feelings instead of burying them.