child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Sunday, December 11, 2011

tired and isolated

I'm tired.  Seems to be the constant song of my life.  But this time it isn't exhaustion that wipes me out.  This time it is emotional.  I feel like I've been isolating.  I want to be with my friends, but I don't want to go through the emotional (and physical) energy that it takes.  I really love people and I really have good intentions.  But I find myself not returning phone calls.  I've been skittish about setting exact times to get together with people.  What if the time I set up comes and I don't feel like getting together?  Then I'd have to spend my day acting or think of a good excuse to not go.  And quite frankly that sounds like too much energy.  My kids want to have play dates and I've been trying to get one together for 2 months now but never end up emailing the mom back when she suggests a time.

I can get together with one friend.  I know that I don't have to fake it.  I know that if I'm feeling non social, we can just sit and its ok.  My son adores her daughter too so that makes it easier as well.  But aside from seeing her I find myself backing out of going places more often than not right now.  Even talking on the phone seems like a chore.  I have a friend who I try to catch up with on the phone weekly, or at least close to weekly.  I love talking to her but right now I just don't know what to say so it feels kinda weird to talk on the phone.  I'm glad she has a lot going on right now so we can chat about her.  (sorry, Love.  I hope you know I love you and this is all about me and being a dork not about not enjoying your company. You remain among my top favorite people even though I'm freakin insane right now!)

I don't want to expend the energy to go to the store and buy milk.  I'm tired.  I don't feel like leaving my house but I don't really enjoy being in my house either.  I am sitting here blogging rather than making my kids lunches for tomorrow simply because I don't feel like doing it.  I can tell my anti-depressant is helping.  I don't feel hopeless.  But I wish there were a drug that did more than ease depression but actually made it better.  It may be out there but with the many I've tried, I have yet to find it!

I'm trying to see through the eyes of grace and be gentle with myself (Jenn, that is in honor of you while you are on vacation and not commenting regularly to be gentle with myself!) but it is hard.  I just want to survive.  And for someone who adores Christmas more than anything, it sucks to feel like I want to just. make. it. through. Christmas.  Good night tired world, I'll be back soon.  Hopefully with something better to say.


  1. I know this feeling all too well. Praying relief for you today, sweet friend.

  2. You can do it. You CAN make it through Christmas :( I'm sorry you are struggling so much, sweet friend. I will pray for you and for relief, like Jess said!