It is late afternoon and my throat still burns when I swallow, though not like it did this morning. I had forgotten the morning after feelings. The feelings of a sore and raw throat. Knowing it burns because of my own actions not because I'm fighting a cold. And mostly the overwhelming feelings of guilt. Guilt that I listened to orange again. Guilt that though I know what is truth, the words in my head are still orange. Guilt that I know what I need to do but for some reason still act out compulsively at times. Guilt that today I sat at MOPS and affirmed how important it is for moms to take care of themselves also all the while hearing the orange rant in my head insisting that I don't deserve to be taken care of.
Will I ever get this? Will the voices ever shut up?