I was chatting with a customer tonight at work. We started talking about the wildfires here in Colorado right now, then about the wind and then about our kids. It was a pleasant conversation until it came up how many kids I have. She looked straight at my stomach and said incredulously, "YOU have THREE kids?????" I smiled, forcing myself to not mention that I had just watched her stare at my stomach and confirmed, yep, three boys.
And then she said it. "Wow! How did you lose the weight? You look fabulous. I'm still 40 lbs more than I used to be. How did you get your body back?" And then I said it. You don't want this body. It hasn't been worth it, the 40lbs would be better. You don't want to live this life.
She suddenly looked at me with empathy and comfort instead of awe. She assured me of my beauty and told me to not dwell on my perception of my body. And I'm grateful for that. But it is still hard that someone looked that closely at my body when I'm afraid to look closely at it myself.