child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

how did you do it?

I was chatting with a customer tonight at work.  We started talking about the wildfires here in Colorado right now, then about the wind and then about our kids.  It was a pleasant conversation until it came up how many kids I have.  She looked straight at my stomach and said incredulously, "YOU have THREE kids?????"  I smiled, forcing myself to not mention that I had just watched her stare at my stomach and confirmed, yep, three boys.

And then she said it.  "Wow!  How did you lose the weight?  You look fabulous. I'm still 40 lbs more than I used to be. How did you get your body back?"  And then I said it.  You don't want this body.  It hasn't been worth it, the 40lbs would be better. You don't want to live this life.

She suddenly looked at me with empathy and comfort instead of awe.  She assured me of my beauty and told me to not dwell on my perception of my body.  And I'm grateful for that.  But it is still hard that someone looked that closely at my body when I'm afraid to look closely at it myself.

4 comments:

  1. When people make comments to me, I used to take pride. I used to feel good when I got, you are so skinny, etc. Now, I do feel somewhat ashamed. When someone says, you hardly look pregnant, how do you stay so small, etc. I want to scream "I am miserable! I have an eating disorder! I starve myself!". I hate the way I live". But at the same time, I do not believe them. It is a funny game. I hate the comments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, I used to take pride in it. I didn't get those comments really at all when I was too skinny but now that I'm weight restored and look like a normal girl, I get them. I'm tired of people comparing themselves to my body and last night I had to say something. I don't want anyone else to ever walk this road. It is definitely not the easy road. Keep on fighting girl! You're going to make it!

      Delete
  2. Hi Dawn, I've read a few of your posts and can really relate to some of your struggles! I have had the exact same experience ~ people often stare at me (which does make you feel very uncomfortable, I agree!)and they will say 'Wow, I can't believe you have had four kids!You are so tiny, where did you put them??' It does make me feel ashamed, aswell as secretly a tiny bit pleased, but then disbelieving their comments anyway! Last time, I actually did try to be more honest, but it's hard to say out loud something that you work so hard to hide...

    Well done for saying what you did to the customer ~ that takes courage :o) Thankyou for sharing your story on here, I appreciate your insight!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks Chantell for your comment. I'm tired of pretending. I'm just tired in general. Why do I have to keep pretending that everything is perfect? It isn't. Sure, I'm an average girl. I'm also an average girl who has spent my entire life trying to pretend I'm someone I'm not. I'm a girl who has battled depression and eating disorder. I'm a girl who doesn't have it all together and I'm tired of trying to tell people that I do have it all together!

      Delete