child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, August 13, 2011

things I'm pondering

While I was trying to protect her, who was protecting me?  How do I think that by not bringing it to light that I am in someway still protecting her?  Would it actually tear my family apart if I made it public or is that in my mind?  Somehow it seems to be coming down to that age old question,  "If you knew your 2nd child was going to find the cure for cancer but your 1st child would be a murderer, would you still have the 1st child who would cause great pain in order to have the 2nd child who would change the world and bring hope to millions?" 

Is it worth going through my own pain and the pain it could cause my family in order to bring hope to more?  Who am I really protecting, her or me?  What am I afraid of, the backlash to my family or the backlash to me?  Is the backlash worth it?  Would I really make a big difference if I quit hiding or am I making a big enough difference now?  Am I living the life I was called to or am I hiding behind all the reasons that I can't do it? 

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