accountability

Thursday I go into my doctors for my "results of findings" appointment, or in English, the appointment where we go over all the stuff from my physical.  I am going to ask my doctor about getting back on anti-depressants.  My family deserves to have me fully functional.  I deserve to be fully functional.  (though I say that, and kinda know it, I so don't feel it!) 

Wow.  Those words just made me realize something.  I struggle with being on meds because though I want it to be true that I deserve to live a happy life, I don't really believe it in my heart of hearts.  I don't feel deserving, it's hard to take action to correct the situation when you don't feel like you deserve the corrected results.  BUT I do believe my family deserves the corrected results.

So I'm saying it here, simply because otherwise I might chicken out.  If I know someone is going to ask me, I am less likely to lie my way through yet another appointment.  I'm not really ok.  I am struggling.  And I know that stabilizing my emotions will also help stabilize my recovery.  Feel free to ask me Thursday if I was honest with my doctor.  I'll probably need the accountability.