child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

emotional rollercoaster

Wow, if ever there were a day of ups and downs, today was it.  My morning started out on a lovely note, hubby went in early last night so when I woke up, he was already home from work.  That was a nice surprise :) !  I took my kids to the park where I met up with several other mom friends from MOPS.  I had asked a friend if I could leave the kids there for a bit so that I could go with hubby to his "result of findings" appointment at the doctor.  Though she agreed and I know her to be the type of person who doesn't say yes when she thinks no, I still felt guilty as I drove away.  I felt guilty that of the 5 moms who were there, none of them are in the school age kids stage of life yet.  One has 5 kids and is pregnant with her 6th.  One has 3 kids, one of whom is still an infant.  Another one is pregnant, due in a week.  They have their hands very full (I know, I remember those days so very well!) and I added 3 more kids to watch in addition to the 12 kids they already were watching.

As I drove away my guilt quickly transformed into worry.  The doctors office had called and asked hubby to come in because his labs came back abnormal and needed to be discussed.  What was this doctors visit going to bring? 

Worry gave way to relief when the doctor informed us that hubby's cholesterol was high but still (just) below the point where he would need medication to correct it. She had us come in so that we can manage his health now while it is still managing rather than playing medicinal catch up later.

My relief was short lived before anger and jealousy kicked in.  The doctor was informing us that hubby is in generally good health and his numbers all look pretty good, except the boderline cholesterol.  Enter jealousy.  He eats like crap and doesn't exercise and yet his body is tolerating it and is still healthy.  I adore him, as you know if you are a regular to my blog, but I wish he would take better care of himself.  His body fat percentage is just slightly above mine. WTH?  How on earth do I eat healthy or not eat at all and have a body fat percentage that is nearly the same as my hubby's who eats like a good old boy (lots of meat, hardly any fiber or veggies).  The doctor left the room for a minute and during that time hubby looked at me and informed me that there is no way he should be getting a clean bill of health with the way he takes care of himself.  That is were the anger came in. I wanted to yell at him.  Thankfully I didn't.

When I left the appointment, my head was spinning.  I didn't understand how I could be so relieved and so hurt in the same breath.  I'm so glad my hubby is doing well and that as far as his health goes, he won't be leaving us anytime soon.  And I also ached.  I needed to process my own emotions.

I arrived to pick up my kids and realized I also needed to cry.  My friend understood.  I wish she didn't, I wish no one understood what this feels like (though I am grateful to not be alone).  She reminded me not to obsess over the stupid body fat percentage.  I didn't know until today that she too has struggled with eating issues. I look at her and always see what I wish I looked like only to hear her say to me today that she feels the same towards me.  Huh?  How on earth could one of the world's most beautiful people hate her body and wish for a different one, especially mine??????  What am I missing here?

A little time with the family was enough to nearly pull me out of my funk.  Work is such a nice break for me, usually, so I was happy (enough) with having a bit of time with the fam and then an evening at work.  Work was mostly good but there was a disturbing thing early in my night.  I pretty much work in a fishbowl, windows all around.  I was sitting at the register and a couple was making out in the lobby right outside my window.  The problem was that the guy and girl were facing the same direction and he was kissing her neck but making eye contact with me.  EEEEWWWWWW!   I thought maybe it was one of those weird coincidences where you just happen to look up at the same time.  I was weirded out so I moved to a different part of the store.  Again, can we say fishbowl?  I moved to the other side of the store and started doing my candy inventory.  I looked up because I felt weird, only to notice the couple had moved in the lobby to right in between my door and the main lobby door and the guy was still kissing her and still looking at me.  By this point I was feeling icky and starting to feel very vulnerable.  Did I happen to mention that he bore resemblance to my abusive ex-boyfriend?  Yeah.

I am so grateful that, though I don't get any signal in my store, for some reason I can get and send texts to one person.  I don't know why I can't get calls or send texts to anyone else.  I guess my store must just like her because I don't have problems getting a signal when it is her.  Thankfully texting her helped me to stay calm, well calm enough.  I really wanted to lock up the store and go in the back room with an oversized sweatshirt, curl up in a little ball, and cry. I wanted to hide.  I find that I think I've passed an issue, I seem to be doing well and then something silly like tonight makes me realize that I really haven't actually worked through the emotions of the abusive relationship.  I felt scared of this guy who was kissing someone else and watching me.  I felt overwhelmed.  I felt panicky.  I felt extreme anxiety.  And I wanted nothing more than to have them leave.

When they finally did leave, I did lock up the store and went upstairs to the college to grab a cup of coffee and I talked with the gal at the desk.  She told me to call her if I'm ever uncomfortable like that again and she will come down or call building security to come over.  I learned something new tonight.  Our part of the building is for the college only and is not to be used by those not affiliated with the college.  If they come back, I can call security and have them asked to leave.   Great, now I know how to handle the situation.  I'm glad of that, but it doesn't change the fact that I am experiencing some pretty powerful negative emotions that were dug up that I have to figure out how to deal with.

Of course the easy way would be to not deal with them and to cope by restricting. Tempting, not going to lie .  But then I realized that my friend was struggling to eat dinner and how much that made me ache for her.  I so wanted to make it all right in the world again.  I wanted to make her better, even though I know it isn't my job to make her better.  I wanted her to eat for herself, to listen her body and to take care of herself.  I wanted her to eat for the man who loves her.  I wanted her to eat for me, because she is the only her we have and I would hate to lose her.  She ate.  She inspired me to listen to my own advice.  I had dinner, against the voice in my head that begged me to shut down instead.  Maybe this is what recovery is all about, doing what you need to do instead of listening to that voice that tells you what you "should" do.


  1. And maybe it's about doing what you're doing right now. Processing, acknowledging, and accepting. Things were up and down, all over the place, fine and dandy again, downright yucky, a little uneasy, a struggle ... and then you just get up and do it all over again. But the great thing is you KEEP getting up!

    Doing what you need to do is not always easy (duh, hello), but there's a certain kind of satisfaction that comes in doing what you know to be right that just doesn't coincide with doing whatever that voice tells you is a better option.

    I'm glad everything is fine with your husband and that you were able to find some support when picking up the boys. And I'm REALLY glad that the reception in that store always seems to work when it's most needed :)

    Get some rest tonight. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new gift. Start over, pick up the pieces, and go where the day takes you. I so love you and appreciate you!

  2. I'm tired. Getting up and doing it all over again is getting exhausting. You know that though. Love you, Lady!