My doctor appointment on Thursday went well and not so well. I was down another pound, not so great. My iron is higher than last year, still no where near where I need it to be though. Ferritin levels below 13 are considered anemia. Last year I was at 14. This year I am 16. I need to be in the mid 60's minimum to have a reserve store of iron that my body can pull from.
At one point she was pondering some of my labs, why some things were low but not others directly linked to those things. Then she asked it, "So how are you doing with eating?" Apparently what I had had on Thursday up to that point wasn't enough to be called a meal much less most of a days nutrition. Aha, it all made sense to her.
When we addressed my weight, metabolism, strength, bmi, and body fat percentage I started to fidget. She says, "So you are staying within your normal range on all of these things. That should make you feel happy, right?" NO! I told her about accompanying hubby to his appointment and how his body fat percentage is just barely higher than mine which is highly unfair because I am definitely the one who puts healthier foods in my body. She told me the explanation for that. My body needs more protein. When you are not getting enough food to fuel your body, the body retains the fat thinking it will need the fat to stay warm. My body is attacking itself in search of protein. My body is devouring my muscles in search of protein and storing the fat to keep itself warm. Having said all of this, she was rather surprised at how well I did on the strength test.
At one point in the conversation she asked me something that I have been thinking about since. I for the life of me cannot remember what the question was but after I answered one of her questions, she said, "Do you not want to get better?" Crap! That was a whole different can of worms. I honestly don't know. I do want to get better. I just don't want to have to let go of this to do it. How contradictory is that?????? I want to live my life, not just exist through it. I have amazing dreams of the life I want. I am also terrified of that life and like knowing that orange is holding my hand and giving me security of the familiar.
The doctor did start me on a new anti-depressant. It makes me tired but most of them do when you first start them. My kitchen will tell you in a couple of weeks if the medicine is helping or not ;-) ! We also adjusted my thyroid again because it is still over functioning. Hopefully in a few weeks, by the time my kids are back in school, I'll be feeling a little more normal. Thanks for the comments here, the emails and the texts from those of you checking in on me. I do appreciate the support and accountability.