For several months I have been stabilizing somewhat with my depression. The lows still came but they weren't so low that I couldn't remember what the highs felt like and I've been just chugging along one foot in front of the other and making it. I am aware that the past couple of weeks have been harder to just keep going. I've been very sad lately. Sad, even when I am happy. The lows are sinking lower and are harder to pull myself out of. Depression severely affects my eating disorder, it's just too much work to take care of me when I'm depressed. Recovery suddenly becomes an insurmountable task. Depression didn't cause my eating disorder, nor did it relapse me but it does make recovery so very difficult.
So here I am again. Happy because tomorrow is my favorite day of the entire year and yet feeling a weight behind the happiness. Having managed the depression so well for the past several months and now to be feeling its heaviness on me again, makes me wonder if my mom was right, that this is all in my head. If you truly have depression, is it likely that you could be off your meds and function well for months and then crash? Is this real depression or do I just not know how to handle real life?
My mother's words when I was in high school are echoing in my ears. "There's nothing wrong with her that a little more prayer and time in the Word wouldn't take care of." Is that true? Are my struggles directly linked with my faith? I mean, I know that God has brought me peace when it should have been impossible. I know there are times that my issue is that I am not trusting God and I'm allowing fear and anxiety to dominate my heart. But there are also times while deep in worship, I still feel the weight on my heart, times when I press in hard to my Savior and still ache even as He holds me close.
Is this me? Is this my faith? Is this a lack of trust in the God of all Creation? Is this all in my head? Is this hormonal? Is this real?