child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, July 11, 2011

Sunday hurt

Today is hubby's first day of vacation so if you don't see me for a few days, don't panic.  I had a crazy weekend.  Yesterday was one of the roughest days I've had in a really long time.  I woke up completely, psychotically depressed.  I found myself walking through the mall trying to escape being me. 

I told my hubby that I wished I could be someone else for a day, someone who could be a complete f*ck up and not care.  I wanted to get completely wasted.  I wanted to max out a credit card on stupid purchases, like short skirts and high heels.  (Credit card balances remained in tact, once again keeping the credit cards at home instead of in my wallet paid off!)

I wanted to not care about anything.  I wanted to not care if I was appropriate.  I wanted to not care if I ate.  I wanted to not care if I were to smoke and drink.  I wanted to not care about having a family to take care of. Wow, in black and white that sounds horrible!  I guess I should clarify, first of all, I love my family and don't take for granted how wonderful they are.  I wouldn't trade my life with them for any life without them.  And yet, yesterday, I think I would have gone on an insane freak out of unhealthy measures if the ramifications would have not reached far enough to touch my family.

I felt horrible when my hubby came home from work, excited to be officially on vacation finally, and I wasn't nearly as excited as he was.  Somewhere deep inside of me, I could feel the desire to want to be excited, but the closest emotion was apathy.  I just didn't care.  Again a small twinge of a feeling deep inside came up, his feelings were hurt and I really wanted to feel badly that I had hurt his feelings.  But I couldn't summon the energy to feel those feelings that were seemingly so far away.

The day did get better and an hour long conversation with my favorite southern belle ended the night on a much better note.  I don't know what got into me.  I felt like behaving like the 17 year old me would have.  It was crazy and a little scary in retrospect.

Today has been much better.  I feel mostly back to me again.  And my hubby just finished watching the home run derby and is waiting for my attentions.  So have a great night friends and I'll be around probably after his vacation is over :)


  1. I feel so badly that you were hurting so much last night while I was just rambling on nonsensically. I'm so sorry :(

    I hate seeing (hearing?) you so upset. I wish I could make it all better!! I have days where I'd give anything to be someone else for a little while, too. I think that's more common than we give ourselves credit for. I know how lucky and blessed and fortunate I am, but there are still times I just want to run away and destroy everyone and everything in my path for no reason. When I get like that, the best thing I've found is to go sit someplace quiet and peaceful and just cry. Or scream. Or both! I'm learning that I feel trapped and suffocated in myself when I'm trying to do/be too much. I start to resent everyone around me for "not giving me break" even though im ultimately the only one preventing that. So no matter how far I run, I can never get away, because the one I'm running from is myself. It's important to be able to "turn off" every now and then!

    There I go rambling again. Sorry. You know I'm always here for you, no matter what or when! Love you big big!!

  2. apparently you missed the part of talking to my favorite southern belle ending the night on a better note :) Seriously, I was doing much better by the time we talked and I LOVED hearing you talk about your life and your boy and just listening to you lifted my spirits even more. It was nice to not have to concentrate on me for a while. Besides, you bring me much joy and are a great person to talk to when I'm feeling blue.

    I am however a little mad at you for saying that you can't get away because who you are running from is yourself ;). Why, oh why, do you have to make so much sense? Urg, that is exactly what I was doing yesterday, trying to escape from being me.

    Love you big too. You make me smile every single day :)