child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Friday, October 14, 2011

big emotions

Something happened.  It triggered a very intense memory.  Overwhelming shame, intense hurt, unfounded guilt and huge sense of vulnerability have flooded over me like a tsunami.  I'm so far from ok.  I don't even know how to get to ok.  I have occasionally thought of this memory.  I never in a million years thought it would be triggered though or even that it could be triggered.  And now I sit here a broken heap of raw emotions.  I don't want to feel this.  I don't want to do this.  I don't know if I can do this.  I don't think I can fake it through this one.  But I also don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to even tell Hubby that I'm not ok because that would mean talking about it.  I want to crawl under a blanket and not exist.  I want to not feel.  I'd rather feel depression like a weight sitting on my chest making it difficult to breathe than feel this.  I'd rather feel the sad I felt this morning than feel this.  These emotions are so intense.  I wonder if they won't just sweep me away in their wake. 

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