Friday, October 14, 2011
Something happened. It triggered a very intense memory. Overwhelming shame, intense hurt, unfounded guilt and huge sense of vulnerability have flooded over me like a tsunami. I'm so far from ok. I don't even know how to get to ok. I have occasionally thought of this memory. I never in a million years thought it would be triggered though or even that it could be triggered. And now I sit here a broken heap of raw emotions. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to do this. I don't know if I can do this. I don't think I can fake it through this one. But I also don't want to talk about it. I don't want to even tell Hubby that I'm not ok because that would mean talking about it. I want to crawl under a blanket and not exist. I want to not feel. I'd rather feel depression like a weight sitting on my chest making it difficult to breathe than feel this. I'd rather feel the sad I felt this morning than feel this. These emotions are so intense. I wonder if they won't just sweep me away in their wake.