child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, October 10, 2011

that is my mom

Need to blog.  I've needed to for weeks but just haven't been able to.  And now my computer is upstairs and I don't have the whole "too tired to go downstairs to get on the computer" thing for an excuse.  Besides, I have got to sort out my feelings somehow, right?

My mom.  That must be the longest two word sentence I've ever written.  This isn't a permanent feeling, I know that, but at the moment I can't stand her and wish my kids didn't ever have to see her again.  Hubby and I just celebrated our anniversary and went away to the mountains for the weekend.  The kids stayed with my folks.  It was a delightful weekend away.  Not going to lie though, at one point I had the this thought, "It doesn't seem like it has been a whole year since we were last up here.  And last year when we came I was still skinny. Sigh."  But I was able to enjoy the time in spite of the fat thoughts that crept up on me a few times.

Last night we got home.  My folks had dropped the kids off at my in-laws and we stopped in to pick them up.  I am so glad they were with my in-laws and not with my parents for the way we were greeted.  No sooner had the kids said hello and given us hugs, then my middle child was in my lap crying.  Long story short, my mom had really laid into him a lot over the weekend.  I called her and she confirmed it with no remorse.  My oldest also confirmed that grandma had yelled a lot this weekend but especially at the middle child.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  No mother should ever have to hold her crying child while he questions if grandma likes him.  But yet I did.

I am at a loss for words to fully describe the emotions I feel right now.  I want to handle this in a godly manner.  I want to handle this with grace and wisdom.  And yet I also want to yell back at her.  I want to forbid her to see my kids.  I want to hurt her for hurting my son.  And I am also feeling the flood of my own childhood emotions rushing back.

I didn't want to eat.  I didn't want to feel the intensity of the hurt.  And I looked at my sweet son today and thought, isn't he worth feeling for?  And even more importantly, isn't he worth being healthy for?  I ate.  And I hurt.  And I still hurt.  And I don't know how to make the hurt better. I don't know what to do with the feelings I'm experiencing.  I don't know exactly how to deal with hurt and anger and what to do with them.  It is easier to stuff them down and pretend they aren't there.

And now that I have started way too many sentences with the word "and", and now that I am so exhausted I can barely see straight, and now that I've at least started to get it out, I am going to sign off and go to bed.  And I am praying that God gives me wisdom to handle this with my mom.  I'm praying that He brings comfort to both me and my son.  I'm praying that He will give me the desire and grace to pray for her as well.

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