child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

music for the soul

I love music.  It speaks to me.  It soothes me.  It heals me.  I have, however, stopped listening to it for the most part.  Somewhere along the line I began to prefer the quiet.  I think that for a while, music touched me too deeply.  It made me so aware of the fact that I wasn't whole.  Music would touch my soul but I was too hurt to dance so I quit playing the music.  If there wasn't music, then my emptiness somehow felt less.  Somehow I could pretend that my heart wasn't breaking if I could avoid music and its beautiful power.  Every so often I would listen to a song or two.  My morning alarm, a link sent by a friend and random things like that. 

Last week we had our first snow here.  I discovered last week while I was driving home from work that my car feels far too quiet inside while driving in the snow.  The silence was actually distracting so I turned on the radio.  It was pleasant and it was shallow, perfect.  The snow melted the next day (as usually happens here in Colorado) as did my desire for "noise" in the car.  Guess what?  It snowed again tonight.  My car was eerily quite and I turned on the radio.  Talk, commercial, not really in the mood for that song and finally KLOVE. 

The music was fine for a snowy drive and so far, still shallow.  But right as I was nearly home a song came on that touched my soul.  There was a strange ache to feel moved by music again.  So tonight's YouTube playlist was
  • All of Me by Matt Hamitt
  • Strong Enough by Matthew West
  • Remind Me of Who I Am by Jason Gray
  • Nothing is Wasted by Jason Gray
  • Rest by Downhere
  • You're Not Alone by Downhere
  • Beautiful by Mercy Me
And then this one........

I had heard this song live on the radio before the single had even been released.  I cried then.  And I cried tonight.  And I cried a little more.  And I cried a little more.  And I realize the reason I've been shutting out music, it makes me feel things I don't like feeling.  It brings things to life in me, some of those things I prefer to keep buried.  Tonight I will listen.  Tonight I will feel.  Tonight I will let music heal in the way that only it can.


  1. music DOES heal ;)
    proud of you for letting the words in, feeling the words, and being able to move forward a little and let go a little of some of the pain.

    this song is heartbreakingly beautiful and a song that i can relate to. wow. i love matthew west too but have not heard this song so thanks so much for sharing it.

    you have made so many breakthroughs this past little bit and i am so happy to see you still going, i know its been so hard but you are showing yourself that you ARE stronger than these past issues. you deserve to let them go and move on : )