I thought I was ok. I wondered why people kept asking if I was doing ok because I felt ok. And then I drove to work today.
I have a fear. I'm afraid that someday I will be in a car accident and people will think it was suicide not an accident. It is a legitimate fear. Today on my way to work I was having fantasies about my car running off the road. Now let me clarify, I was not thinking I wanted to die or that my family would be better off without me. I wasn't thinking of it in a suicidal way but nonetheless I was daydreaming about being in an accident.
The difference between this time last year and today? Had I been on this stretch of road this time last year I likely would not be here to write today. Last year I was actively looking for a place with no traffic to intentionally run my car off the road. Today I was just daydreaming about what it would be like if my car happened to run off the road. I'm just aware though that the step from one to the other is a small one.
I thought I was ok. Tonight the depression seems nearly suffocating though. How did I go from thinking I was ok yesterday to barely maintaining today? How did I go from thinking I was ok to fantasizing about car accidents overnight? I thought I was ok; turns out I was wrong.