I thought I was ok. I wondered why people kept asking if I was doing ok because I felt ok. And then I drove to work today.
I have a fear. I'm afraid that someday I will be in a car accident and people will think it was suicide not an accident. It is a legitimate fear. Today on my way to work I was having fantasies about my car running off the road. Now let me clarify, I was not thinking I wanted to die or that my family would be better off without me. I wasn't thinking of it in a suicidal way but nonetheless I was daydreaming about being in an accident.
The difference between this time last year and today? Had I been on this stretch of road this time last year I likely would not be here to write today. Last year I was actively looking for a place with no traffic to intentionally run my car off the road. Today I was just daydreaming about what it would be like if my car happened to run off the road. I'm just aware though that the step from one to the other is a small one.
I thought I was ok. Tonight the depression seems nearly suffocating though. How did I go from thinking I was ok yesterday to barely maintaining today? How did I go from thinking I was ok to fantasizing about car accidents overnight? I thought I was ok; turns out I was wrong.
I imagine that was a very scary experience, you're right about that! I think the most important thing here is to be super aware of your motives and underlying thoughts. Sometimes things just trigger us back into memories of a certain day/time, and our minds go to that dark place unintentionally. You said that you were not actively trying to run your car off the side of the road (which I thank you very much for), so I would suggest you just keep monitoring those motives and being aware of your intentions. Triggered memories are not always an indicator of present behaviors.
ReplyDeleteThe other night after I ate dinner, out of nowhere I just got this overwhelming urge to purge. (Urge to purge ... that's catchy. And totally dysfunctional.) Now let me just say this: That is something I have not done in a VERY long time. I was terrified that my brain took me to that place and that my body was so desperately pleading for me to get rid of that food. I just kept thinking, "I thought I had worked through that part of it! Where is this coming from?!" I had no real intention of purging (and I didn't do it). Something just triggered that voice in my head to start talking again, and it freaked me out. Not because I was even entertaining the thought of actually doing it, but because the voice still exisited at all.
All this wordy mess is to say that I get it, I hear you, you're not alone, and you're not crazy. Keep talking about this, and keep asking yourself questions. (And perhaps stop messing with your medication? Just a thought.) You know I love you!