child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Yesterday I did something that I haven't done in probably a decade.  I bought shorts.  Not burmuda shorts, not capris, not pants that can roll up to be capris, but real shorts.  They were on clearance so I could justify it if I never worked up the courage to wear them.  I tried them on this morning and before I could whisk them off again, hubby was complementing me.  He may have known, may have not known that I was terrified to wear them out in public.  He encouraged me to wear them, insisted that I looked great, told me all great things come in pairs, complemented my legs often throughout the day and all the way around was my confidence for the day. 

You see, he saw curves and he likes them.  I, however, see thighs.  I have never liked my thighs.  Even before I ever had an eating disorder and thought the shape of my legs was entirely relevant to everything I do, I still felt awkward and embarrassed by my thighs.  At hubby's insistence that I had to wear the cute shorts I had on, I finally agreed.  I knew I wasn't going to be comfortable in my skin so I added my cute thick wedge sandals.  The wedge would give the illusion of more tone to my legs.  I added a second coat of blue nail polish to my toes.  I decided the fingers could use a coat to match the toes.  I did my makeup.  I did everything I could to keep my focus on things that were NOT my legs.

I wouldn't call it completely successful but I also wouldn't say it was a complete failure either.  I wore the shorts all day.  We went to the museum and to the zoo.  I was able to keep my mind off of my legs as long as I was standing up (which was a good chunk of my day).  I was able to distract myself with my bright blue nail polish and playing with my kids.  I forced myself, though not always easily, to not "hear" the comments that I "know" are being said about my legs and butt.  And you know what?  Gosh darn it, I actually had fun!  Maybe if I can stop thinking about my legs more often, I would enjoy so many more experiences that I worry anxiously over and miss out on. 

And here is the final result......

Me and my boys being pirates

ready to hoist the jolly roger and sail the 7 seas

cotton candy mouth

cotton candy mouth and pirate "tattoo" on the face

the pirate turtle
my fun distraction :)


  1. I have the same issue with shorts, so I have to commend you on being so present while in your own discomfort! I know how hard it is to sit with that all day long, so I really do hope you realize what a big deal this is. So many times, I have to force myself to do this same kind of thing just so that, at the end of the day, I can see that I didn't just fall over and die from it. And it sounds like a more successful day than you're giving yourself credit for ... Your boys clearly had a great time, you faced a fear and just went with it, your husband showed you love and support and reminded you how beautiful you are, and your pictures show 4 people genuinely enjoying quality time together. (Not to mention, you looked precious in the process!) Keep doing what you're doing. I'm proud of you :)

  2. Thanks Amy :) Your comment made me cry, the good kind of cry. I didn't really think of it as brave or how much strength it really did take. And you are right, I didn't fall over and die, even though I thought I would!