child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

muse missing

My muse has been hiding from me for a while.  I think she's still hiding.  I've been really introspective lately.  I have had some good insights and some crappy days. When I think "I should blog about that"  I end up not wanting to sit down at my computer or it ends up being something deep and personal between me and God that I haven't been ready to share.

Today was one of those crappy days.  I restricted.  I counted.  I measured.  For the first time, I started picking at my skin and then forced myself to stop when I realized what I was doing.  I don't know why it was hard, it just was.  I really only wanted to run away.  I made it through though. 

I have interviewed for a new job, a position in ministry.  During the interview I was asked why I wanted to work for them.  I realized how much I want this job when I answered.  There are so many broken people in the world, so many broken women.  But that isn't how we need to live.  Jesus said he came that we could have life and have it more abundantly.  He came to heal our brokenness and I want to be a part of that.  I went to bed the next night in tears.  I am so very broken, how can I ever minister to others?  How can I help be a part of that healing with others when I still am broken myself?  I really want this job.  I've never in my life wanted a job because it is dear to my heart and what I would want to do even if money wasn't involved.  This time I do and yet I feel so unqualified when I look at my life.

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