Monday, June 18, 2012
As much as I love my family, I couldn't love them when I was stuck in my eating disorder. At least, I couldn't love them fully. I loved my disease too much to allow much else in my life. I was stuck, so. very. stuck.
I would look at my children and think how much I wanted to love them RIGHT but instead I was spending all of my time and energy to hate myself. I was sharp and angry with them, a lot. I very seriously don't remember a year of all of their lives during the darkest pit and the slow start of the climb out.
I would look at Hubby and think of the days that I wanted him physically and wish they hadn't gone away. To clarify, it wasn't HIM I didn't want, it was being touched, being seen, being known that I didn't want. I wanted to love him the way he so deserves to be loved but all of my emotion was going into hating myself.
I wanted to love my friends, but I was too busy loving Orange. I wasn't there for them anymore. I was devoted only to my disease. And as much as I hated that about myself, I couldn't make myself change it either.
Things are different now. I love again, and to be honest it is amazing. I feel again and it too is lovely, most of the time. Love now is genuine and deep, no longer false acts based in my own self hatred. I enjoy spending time with my family again instead of shutting them out.
Not only can I love truly again, I now can be loved as well. I can rest in Hubby's arms and know his love. I can see my Mother's Day cards from my boys and feel their love for me. I really don't remember how long it was that I couldn't feel the love that was being poured into me. I really felt like no matter how much love and care was given, all I could feel was hatred and judgement being passed.
I don't think I've actually EVER felt love like I do now. I not only know love, but I can give it and I can feel it and I can experience it now. It is an awe-inspiring thing to finally understand love and to have a great capacity for it!