child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, June 18, 2012

Love

                                    
As much as I love my family, I couldn't love them when I was stuck in my eating disorder. At least, I couldn't  love them fully. I loved my disease too much to allow much else in my life.  I was stuck, so. very. stuck.

I would look at my children and think how much I wanted to love them RIGHT but instead I was spending all of my time and energy to hate myself.  I was sharp and angry with them, a lot.  I very seriously don't remember a year of all of their lives during the darkest pit and the slow start of the climb out.

I would look at Hubby and think of the days that I wanted him physically and wish they hadn't gone away.  To clarify, it wasn't HIM I didn't want, it was being touched, being seen, being known that I didn't want.  I wanted to love him the way he so deserves to be loved but all of my emotion was going into hating myself.

I wanted to love my friends, but I was too busy loving Orange.  I wasn't there for them anymore.  I was devoted only to my disease.  And as much as I hated that about myself, I couldn't make myself change it either.

Things are different now.  I love again, and to be honest it is amazing.  I feel again and it too is lovely, most of the time.  Love now is genuine and deep, no longer false acts based in my own self hatred.  I enjoy spending time with my family again instead of shutting them out.

Not only can I love truly again, I now can be loved as well.  I can rest in Hubby's arms and know his love.  I can see my Mother's Day cards from my boys and feel their love for me.  I really don't remember how long it was that I couldn't feel the love that was being poured into me.  I really felt like no matter how much love and care was given, all I could feel was hatred and judgement being passed.

I don't think I've actually EVER felt love like I do now.  I not only know love, but I can give it and I can feel it and I can experience it now.  It is an awe-inspiring thing to finally understand love and to have a great capacity for it!

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