child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

confused and angry

It has been a rough couple of days at work.  I've spent Monday putting out fires, which is fine, that is basically what my job is - to put out emotional fires.  Today was a tear filled day.  Today I don't understand God's plan.

I talked for a half an hour to someone with a very broken heart.  Someone she knows and loves just lost her toddler daughter to an "undetermined cause of death".  The child was too old to be considered SIDS and yet no one knows why she died.  And I am broken.  I don't understand why a mother has to continue to get up and take care of her other child and go through the motions when emotionally her heart has stopped beating.

I don't understand how God uses things like this.  I am mad at Him.  I am angry at God that children die.  I am angry that another baby was born addicted to heroin while many of my dear friends who long for nothing more than the feeling of their own child in their arms are losing their babies in utero.  And I want to say I feel God's peace and I want to say that all the Christian cliches are enough but the reality is that I don't feel it and they aren't enough.

Times like this make words like, "God will work this out for good", "God has a plan", "God was trying to spare her the pain of life", and "At least she is in heaven"  painful and frustrating.  Will He work this out for good?  I'm sure He will.  Do I want to hear it right now? No.  Do I still believe that God is good?  Absolutely.  But can I tell you a secret?  Sometimes I even though I KNOW that Hubby is a good man, I still get angry with him.  Sometimes even though I KNOW that Hubby loves me, I still get my feelings hurt or feel lonely.  Sometimes even though I  KNOW it, I don't feel it.  And sometimes I feel that way with God too.

Even though I know God is good, I don't understand Him right now.  Even though I know God still loves me, right now my feelings are hurt.  Even though I know it, the feelings haven't caught up.  Right now the feelings are hurt and anger.  And yet, God is still sovereign.  He is still on the throne.  He is still capable.  He is still good even when life isn't.  He is still faithful to His promises and loving toward all He has made.  My anger with Him doesn't change any of that.

Thankfully He is big enough to handle my emotions.  Thankfully my feelings don't change His character.  And even though I can't understand what He is doing or why, I will go back to the song that carried me through days of infertility and miscarriage.

God is too wise to be mistaken, 
God is too good to be unkind. 
 So when you don't understand, 
when you can's see His plan,
 when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

Another secret,  I don't understand God's plan.  AND I don't really want to understand His plan right now.  I don't ever want children dying to make sense to me. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now!!! I often don't understand God or His plan, either. I try to trust in him, but I often fail.

    I agree — I don't ever want children dying or people hurting to make sense to me.