child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Swearing at Orange

It is amazing how a habit can suddenly become a trigger, a rule, a stumbling block.  I typically have the same thing for breakfast.  There are a lot of reasons, but the biggest ones:
~taste --> yum
~time --> quick
~cost--> cheap

It is also approved by my nutritionist.  It is safe, doesn't produce guilt.  It is easy to fix and easy to eat. Hmmm, did anyone catch how orange that reason of "safe" sounds?  I never had until this morning.

My body wanted something different than my usual and my mind actually recoiled.  I wanted eggs.  I had a full out, swearing battle with the voice in my head.  Suddenly my normal breakfast felt like a "have to".  I was shocked at the intensity of the argument in my head.  I was shocked that eggs didn't feel safe to me.  I was shocked that I felt that it had to be my normal breakfast or nothing at all.

I finally told orange to f*** off and made the eggs.  Then I had to tell her to f*** off again in order to allow myself to eat them.  It was a victory, I made and ate what my body wanted.  It was also a shocking realization of how much power that voice still holds.  It was a sobering awareness that recovery is still a lot of work, even when I am stable.  And it was encouraging to know that I have the strength to stand up to that voice now.  Eight months ago, I didn't.

2 comments:

  1. BIG victory Dawn! Way to go! I'm the same way - routine and order, and what has been pre-approved by my team. We were all good with that for a while, but lately the team has been pushing variety. I'm gonna have to remember this post when I finally attempt a different, out of routine meal... yikes! Thanks for sharing!

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  2. Way to go! I'm proud of you!

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