child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I've been having panic attacks the past few days.  Only one was really bad to the point of having vision changes and hyperventilating.  I have, however, had to concentrate a lot on breathing lately.  I feel the panic coming on and have to remind myself to keep breathing steadily.  Hubby thinks food is a contributing factor.  How do I tell him I know it is?  Food has been a difficult subject for the last couple of weeks. Not nearly as bad as I was when I went to the hospital.  Not counting every calorie and freaking out about it.  Just not feeling like eating.  Not actually trying to deprive myself but not feeling like indulging myself either.  I don't really want to talk about it either.  If it stays in my head, it isn't real.  Yet here on paper, I can glaringly see how real it is.  I want to hide inside my shell and pretend it is still all ok and still getting better.  It would only be pretending though.  I know its not ok, I just don't want to acknowledge it yet.

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