child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Friday, December 3, 2010

Today sucks

Today I feel angry.  I don't care if it isn't one of the primary emotions, it is a very powerful secondary emotion and I feel it!  I guess I should start with saying that nothing new has happened to cause me to be angry.  Today I want to throw a temper tantrum.  Today I want to cuss.  Today I want to isolate.  I went to my dear friends house today for a half hour.  It was a well spent half hour.  This morning we both felt like crawling back under the covers and hiding.  Sounds like a perfect time to get together.  That was my attempt at not isolating.  I thought I had a bunch of big stuff to deal with but have come to realize that I have more to deal with on how the big stuff was handled.  I want to hit something.  I want to yell.  I want to scream.  I got a letter from my former therapist saying that she was leaving the EDC to go back to inpatient, adolescent care.  I even felt angry about that.  I wanted to rip the letter up.  I was angry with the way she had handled me.  I was annoyed that I felt disrespected and minimized when I saw her.  I was annoyed that when getting help was at a crucial point for me, she was who I found and she didn't help me at all.  I'm annoyed that everyone is happy because though I want to have Christmas spirit, I am finding myself in a funk.  I really want to be an enjoyable person.  I really want to love Christmas as much as I know I do, I just am not feeling it at all today.  I'm tired of working to get through it.  I want to wave a magic wand and be better.  Why does everything worthwhile take work and time?  Today sucks, tomorrow will be better.

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