child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, October 21, 2013

When feelings aren't truth but they feel like it

The text said fml. I acknowledged that I don't actually believe that.  But it's how I feel right now.

I love the people in my life. I'd take them out of that equation of the text.  I love things about my life.  I love being wife to Hubby. I love being mom to my Littles. I love my job,  even though today I was too overwhelmed to go to work and do my job.

So when I look at it logically, I really wouldn't say fml. I love my life.  But I hate my emotions.  I hate that with a life full of love,  I still struggle to see hope.  I hate that anxiety sometimes cripples me.  I hate that depression sometimes makes me feel emotionally bankrupt. 

Food is hard.  Not my because of my body but because of my emotions. I want control.  I want to feel the surge  of euphoria that being hungry gives.  But this time there is no euphoria only the empty darkness that usually comes when I've fallen too far.

I don't want to fall but I don't want to fight either.  I just want to give up.  I won't give up, I just want to.  Hubby is keeping me accountable.  He knows where I am and he's holding me up.  I know this too shall pass.  Until it does, I'm really grateful for those who hold my arms when I'm too tired to fight.