So after a night of bitching and moaning and longing for the comforting parts of this disease, today I am determined to do the next right thing and get back up again.
Morning arrived bringing with it coffee and the promise of having breakfast with my hubby at his work. It wasn't much, just yogurt, but it was SOMETHING! Talking with a friend made me realize the depth of the hurt I was feeling over events of the last week. Hurt was hurting even worse. Hurt was making it difficult to breathe properly.
What is the next right thing I asked myself. Feeling overwhelmed and anxious, I braved up and called my pastors wife. She is an amazing woman with great compassion. She has never been on this side of an eating disorder but she has never judged when I have confided in her. I told her how much I am struggling to believe the truth that I know. I told her how hurt I am. I told her how I desperately do not want to eat. She listened. And then she prayed for me. She prayed that God would give me strength meal by meal and moment by moment today. She prayed that He would envelop me in His grace and that I would look to Him to make it through each difficult stage of the day. It was helpful to have someone aware that sometimes this journey is moment by moment not just day by day or week by week. It was helpful to have someone pointing me back to the cross without judging. It was helpful to have someone raising my arms up when I didn't have the strength on my own.
I got home this afternoon and wondered how I was going to make it through the entire day. I turned on the radio and the song playing was, "When I call on Jesus, all things are possible. I can mount on wings of eagles and soar." Ok, Jesus, make today possible! I'm so not hungry. Possibly a medicinal side effect but still discouraging. I ate lunch though with hubby when he got home from work.
A few moments ago I sat down at my computer and read this from Christie over at Nourishing Circle (one of my love-to-read-it blogs).
"Life isn’t rainbows and butterflies. It isn’t perfect. And sometimes, it hurts so damn bad that my mind tells me that I won’t make it out alive.
But, what I’ve learned is that those painful times are a part of life. And when I allow them to flow, when I allow them to show me a new side of myself, when I allow them to knock me on my knees – I am allowing life.
The fullest expression of it."
So I suppose that I will see today as doing the next right thing and as allowing life, the fullest expression of it! I'm not all better, not by a long shot. Today I am going to get back up on my recovery horse and ride again even if I fall off again tomorrow. And if I fall off again, I'll get back on again and again and again until I have beat this stupid disease.