child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, April 4, 2011

what if I told the truth?

What if I told you I'm all better and don't have food issues anymore?  What if I told you that I am actually ok with my body and see the beauty that my husband swears is there?  What if I told you that I have finally learned how to intuitively eat and give my body what it needs and when?

Or what if I told you the truth?  The truth this exact moment is.....
  • I'm up over 2 hrs past my hopeful bedtime and still not really tired
  • my stomach is a feeling a bit empty right now
  • I have no intentions of remedying the above problem tonight
  • I have all evening been trying to think of ways to be "different" in my eating disorder.  In other words, I wondered all night if it was possible to stop eating and not experience the emotional disaster that follows.  I tried to figure out if it was possible to "defy the odds" and only lose inches and nothing else.
  • I truly don't understand why God made our bodies to need food.
  • I wish the above statement weren't true (that our bodies need food, that is!)
  • I sweat again, and I don't really like it.  
  • I hate that my stomach makes horrifying sounds (growling) and my body produces gross liquid (sweat) again.  Those are definitely NOT on my "pro" list of recovery!
  • I think that someone I know has orthorexia.  I also think that sometimes my anorexic symptoms sometimes can come close to orthorexic behaviors, even though it is still not an "official" eating disorder.  I wish it were not the "socially acceptable" form of disease but considered for the disease that it is.
  • although my medical chart says "anorexia nervosa" I have discovered that I actually am more of an EDNOS for the fact that in the midst of substantial weight loss I still had a period (they got much lighter and much shorter but they didn't stop completely). 
  • eating disorders are confusing and complicated and very full of intricate complexities and no one actually has a full out answer about them because each person is entirely different
  • I am whining and moaning and tired of hearing myself so I am guessing you are too!

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