child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Friday, April 1, 2011

Danger Zone

****Red Zone!  **** Danger Alert*****Relapse Watch in effect until a date to be determined......*****

Tonight I was goofing around in the mirror while my son was brushing his teeth.  One of the silly faces I did made my collar bone more noticeable. My necklace gently fell into the hollow of my neck and suddenly I missed it.  I missed "the look".  I don't miss the lack of energy, the hair falling out, the constant paranoia, the suicidal thoughts.  I have to remind myself that anorexia is my enemy, trying to steal the light from my eyes, the hope from my heart and the life from my body.  Anorexia is NOT  a long lost friend.  It is not a true comfort, it is not beautiful, and it is not me. 

Not for you, my reader, but for me and my own sanity I am going to repeat the truth. ANOREXIA IS NOT BEAUTIFUL!  My necklace settling in a hollow that could easily become far too deep is not the look I want to achieve.  ANOREXIA IS NOT BEAUTIFUL!  I exhibit true beauty when I find my hope and peace in the Lord.  I exhibit lasting beauty when I take care of my family (that includes taking care of me!)  I find true beauty in being a woman who's husband praises her and her children arise and call her blessed.  ANOREXIA WILL NEVER BRING ME TRUE BEAUTY!

Anorexia will bring hurt.  Anorexia will rob me of my treasures.  Anorexia will rob me of joy, of peace and of beauty.  It will never bring me beauty.  It will never be my friend.  It will never be right, even when it feels good.  Anorexia lies to me, it causes the mirror to lie as well.  I won't give up.  I just have to say, right now, it is definitely not the looking in the mirror that is keeping me pressing on.  Looking at the sweet faces of my children sleeping is what, tonight anyway, will help me keep pressing on toward the goal.  Knowing what anorexia will rob them and my dear sweet hubby of is the motivation tonight.  I'm going to keep saying the truth until I hear it.  ANOREXIA IS NOT BEAUTIFUL! I am also not going to be too friendly with the mirror right now.  If you see me tomorrow with no make up or my hair not brushed, just know it is because I still don't trust the mirror! 


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