child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Heaven, Hell and Nothing

*****This is NOT a suicide note.******

Thought I'd better preface that before I start.  I don't want to leave my family.  I love them and have fun with them.  I don't think I actually want to die, death is permanent.  But I kinda do.  If death weren't permanent, this might be a suicide note.  But it is and so this isn't.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I'm having weird and very real dreams about boring things.  Things like an email in my inbox with a subject line of "PLEASE do not do this" that never really happened. Stupid things.  But things that make me feel like I have lost my mind.  Paranoid thoughts that insist that life is not ok are attacking my brain. 

To some extent, those thoughts are right.  Life is not ok.  It is not ok that my friend has now delivered 2 still born babies in just over a years time.  It is not ok that we cannot use our stove or oven because it blows a fuse and sends sparks flying if we do.  It is not ok that I fantasize about death.  It is not ok.  But it is life.  Everyone has problems.  Everyone knows what it is like to feel like you keep getting kicked when you try to get up. 

I have plenty of things in my life that I love.  Thinking of those things redirects my thoughts of death.  I'm not writing so that everyone is worried I'm going to do something stupid.  I am writing because this is where I am right now.  I don't want to stay dead, I just want to die.  I don't believe that death is a place of just ceasing to exist, and yet that is what I long for with death.  Just not existing.  Just not hearing my thoughts torment me.  Just not feeling anything.  And yet, even if I were to die, I don't believe I would just stop existing.  Heaven is paradise, hell is torture.  I just want to be nothing for a while.

1 comment:

  1. I completely understand this feeling. Many times I've longed for death to be a permanent oblivion, but what I relly wanted was rest. No more stress, pain, anxiety, fear - no more anything.

    You feel out of control, so you long to have control of something, but even death feels like an option you don't have.

    Whatever is driving this "opt out" is a lie and an attack upon the very precious person that you are. What you need is to believe and feel loved, but there is another reality that would keep you in darkness. Though it doesn't always feel like it, you do have a choice to be healed and experience a different reality. In no way am I preaching at you because I still have moments and days of struggle with this same issue.

    Remember that you are loved; by God, your husband, your friends, and that your enemy would have you believe otherwise. He cannot create, only deceive. May the fruit of the Spirit dwell in your heart and mind.