I'm ok

I'm beyond exhausted and my bed is calling my name but since I have had a few people notice that I haven't blogged in a while and were asking if I'm ok, I thought I'd better give a quick update.  The day after my last post, my medicine started really working and I started feeling more like myself again.  I'm eating again and more and more meals are becoming enjoyable.  I haven't hated myself for eating since Red Lobster.  I am learning, rather slowly but still learning, to give myself the grace I would give to my kids.  That is a hard task!  I am looking at some relationships in my life that have been complicated and trying to figure out my feelings.  It is hard when I feel positive and negative emotions towards a person I love in the same breath.  It is a bit confusing at times and emotionally conflicting.  How can I love and resent someone to both extremes so much? Anyway, that will have to do for tonight.  To wrap it up, yeah I am ok and thanks for checking up on me my friends :) 

GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP SWEET!

feelings

Leaving my kids unattended upstairs for too long could be a bad idea so I'll make it quick.  The past 2 days I feel like I am barely hanging on.  I feel like I am on the verge of being overwhelmed.  I have to blog or I'll end up sobbing over something stupid.  I am looking at the list of feelings that Carol gave me.  I feel a lot of them. At this second in time I can mark off
anxious                confused
defeated              dependent
depressed           discouraged
embarrassed        empty
exposed               fear
grief                     guilt
helpless                hopeless
humiliated             hurt
inadequate            insecure
invaded                isolated
lonely                   nervous            
overwhelmed        sad
scared                  shy
tired                     trapped
unsure                 vulnerable
weak

Now I realize that some of these may duplicate in meaning but still, that is a lot of emotions at once.  No wonder it feels overwhelming.  I don't even know how to ask you to pray this time.  I hurt.  I need Jesus.  I need hope, peace, comfort.

random act of kindness

It is amazing how such a small act of kindness can turn someone's entire outlook around.  It has been a sad day today.  I feel like I want to cry but no tears want to fill my eyes.  Yesterday was my oldest sons birthday.  He turned 8.  We celebrated his birthday and my mom's which was today at Red Lobster.  Endless shrimp + recovering anorexic = not a wonderful idea!  I ate more calories last night at dinner than I have probably eaten over the course of a week. It tasted pretty good actually and again I felt guilty afterwards for enjoying food.  I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy what I eat. I am very very very aware that my new medicine is working and making my appetite increase.  I have actually been able to eat quite a bit more since being home from the hospital.  I think it is completely obvious that I have been eating over the last 2 weeks.  Why am I the only one to notice?  My son had a pool party birthday party on Friday.  I felt weird because I could see the belly in my swimsuit.  Hubby said I look great and that it isn't just because he is supposed to say that.  Yet I felt awkward and inadequate. 

My house is a disaster.  I haven't been able to tackle my kitchen in a few days.  My kids haven't tackled their messes either.  It is overwhelming.  Tonight I had a mile long list of things to do and yet found myself watching football and playing my sons new DS instead.  Some kind soul dropped milk off on my front porch and relieved me of the duty of having to go buy milk for my family's morning.  That was the act of kindness to turn my attitude around.  The story is actually kinda funny.  Just before 9pm, my youngest woke up with a bad dream.  I was getting him back to bed and he was just dozing off when my my dog starts barking like crazy and then my phone rings "unavailable number".  I rejected the call, worried I would wake him.  I got out of his room just before my message alert went off.  The message was a voice I don't recognize, again from an unknown number, saying that there was something on my porch for me.  Ok, I don't live in the greatest neighborhood.  It is by no means the hood but it isn't the nicest either.  Just last week one of my neighbors was arrested for having thousands of stolen items in his house that he was reselling.  An annonymous call telling me to look outside on my porch kinda freaked me out!  So I called my in-laws who live next door.  I told them that I didn't want to go to the door without someone knowing so they came to their door also, just in case.  I opened the door and there was 2 gallons of milk on my porch!  My father-in-law laughed and said "Well, guess I don't need this." and showed me that he had come to the door with his gun in hand, just in case. 

So whoever did that both scared me to death and blessed the socks off of me!  You changed my entire perspective today.  This morning I was wondering how God plans to use me.  I was wondering if my life was really in His hand.  I was hurting and tired.  This evening, He showed me, yet again, that He cares for even my smallest needs.  Getting milk wasn't a matter of not having money for it (though we have been in that position before), it was a matter of not wanting to leave my house.  I was enjoying watching the Giants/Bears game and loving the defensive football that was being played.  And yet, God still took care of me.  Isn't it funny that all it takes sometimes is something as simple as a couple of gallons of milk from an annonymous angel to remind me that God does indeed have a plan and purpose for my life, that He really does love me, and that He knows every need I have?!?

why does the mirror lie?

I asked my best friend yesterday if I had really lost that much weight. She asked what I meant.  People are noticing.  Friends have stopped me to tell me that I'm looking good.  People who know nothing of my struggle are saying how much weight I have lost.  The front desk lady at my children's school flat out asked me if I was anorexic and if that is why the kids missed 4 days of school (when I was in the hospital).  A friend told me the other day that I had lost alot in my legs, to which I responded, "Well, that's debatable." My in-laws joke that when I stand sideways they can't see me and try to give me seconds on dessert when I'm over there.  My husband says that while he still thinks I am beautiful, this thin is not his favorite look on me.  And then I look in the mirror.  Everyone around me seems to see the pounds I have dropped but the mirror does not.  I have gained a couple of pounds back and my stretch marks are no longer loosely hanging.  My ribs are not nearly as prominant as they were a month ago.  So why is everyone seeing that I have lost weight?  Or more importantly, why am I not seeing it?  My friend wisely told me that the mirror is lying to me.  And now I want to know why.  Why does the mirror lie to me?  Why do I see that my thighs are not fit and my belly has a little pooch?  Why can't I see what everyone around me sees?  And why do I hold only myself to this standard?  I don't look at my friends and see their imperfections, why do I see mine in such exaggerated detail?

I was challenged with this, stop looking at the mirror for beauty and truth because the mirror can give you neither.  Look in the word for beauty and truth, it is found only there.  She also suggested I re-read Proverbs 31 and examine God's definition of beauty. 

Proverbs 31:10-30 (Amplified Bible)

10A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman--who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.


11The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.


12She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.


13She seeks out wool and flax and works with willing hands [to develop it].


14She is like the merchant ships loaded with foodstuffs; she brings her household's food from a far [country].


15She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks.


16She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard.


17She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm.


18She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust].


19She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.


20She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit].


21She fears not the snow for her family, for all her household are doubly clothed in scarlet.


22She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made.


23Her husband is known in the [city's] gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.


24She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].


25Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]!


26She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].


27She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat.


28Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying],


29Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.

30Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!

So that is how God defines beauty?  Not once in those verses is physical appearance mentioned. Her ability to care for her family and those around her make her beautiful.  Her husband trusts and loves her and that makes her beautiful.  Her strength is beauty.  Her desire for the Lord is beauty.  She is beautiful and has not once looked in a mirror.  Maybe my friend is right, maybe I need to not look in the mirror either.  If I desire to see true beauty, it will only be in the eyes of my King, my Savior, my Jesus.  Only He can show me how He defines beauty.  And really, when all is said and done, only His definition of beauty matters.

Lord, today help me to see myself through your eyes.  Help me to redefine beauty in my life to mean what you intended it to mean not what the mirror has distorted it to mean.


Parting thought, Psalm 45:11 The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.

homework

Carol, my new therapist, gives me homework.  I don't really like that.  I feel antsy when I talk to her but it is a good kind of antsy.  Remember as a kid waking up with your legs aching and your mom gently rubbing them and telling you that it is just growing pains and you will feel better when your body has grown.  Well, that is exactly how Carol makes me feel, emotionally.  I can feel the stretch and growth but it is uncomfortable as well.  Last week she gave me a list of basic assertive rights and a list of cognitive distortions and told me to go home and mark the ones I struggle with.  There are 11 basic assertive rights and of those 11, I marked 7.  Here's the list (and the ones I marked):

1. right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self-respect as long as others rights are not violated in the proces

2.  The right to be treated with respect.

3. The right to say no and not feel guilty.

4. The right to experience and express your feelings.

5. The right to take time to slow down and think. 

6. The right to change your mind.

7. The right to ask for what you want.

8. The right to do less than you are humanly cabable of doing.

9. The right to ask for information.

10. The right to make mistakes.

11. The right to feel good about yourself.

I was amazed looking through the list how much of that rings true to me.  I don't let myself experience or express my feelings so it is often hard to identify them.  Today she gave me a list of feelings.  There are over 100 things on this list and it is so much more than happy, sad, angry.  Actually she said I cannot use frustrated as a feeling because it is overused and several of the other feelings on the page cause frustration, and I cannot use angry as a feeling because angry is a symptom not a feeling. For instance, I feel angry because I feel betrayed, because I feel attacked, because I feel pressured, because I feel invalidated etc.  Anger is a byproduct of another emotion.  I am so not going to lie, the list is overwhelming to me!  I didn't know there even were this many feelings and yet as I read the list, much of it rings true and I either feel now or have felt.  Words like appreciated, afraid, blamed, cautious, concerned, confident, confused, dependent, devalued, disregarded, empty, encouraged, excited, exposed, important, inadequate, invaded, isolated, justified, minimized, nurtured, overwhelmed, protective, proud, secure, shocked, sure, trapped, used, violated, wanted, weak and worried are all on the list.  I like that the list of feelings is inclusive of good and bad feelings.  I relate with both the good and the bad feelings on a very personal level.

Speaking of bad emotions, today has been a day of feeling very conflicted about food.  My hubby took me on a breakfast date and I thouroughly enjoyed it.  I ate more than I have in a while and I actually enjoyed the food.  That is where I feel conflicted.  I feel guilty that I enjoyed eating.  While it sounds absurd, that is how I feel.  This is going to be a long road.

things I've learned

I am so very tired of dreaming.  On one hand, I have stopped dreaming about horrifying things.  On the other hand, I have had dreams every night about the hospital.  Usually the dreams are harmless enough, going through a group therapy session or doing puzzles and laughing at stupid soap opera lines with my fellow prisoners, uh, I mean patients.  One night the dream was that we had my family meeting (a pre-requisite for discharge) with hubby, the BHA (behavioral health advocate) escorted him back downstairs while I got my things together, and then they informed me my paper work was not complete and I wasn't allowed to leave after all.  In my dream, hubby was waiting downstairs and I had no way to get ahold of him to tell him they weren't letting me leave after all.  I've had dreams that other patients are confiding in me stories of their lives.  I always wake up from those praying for the people I dreamed about.  Maybe I was there for a reason outside of myself afterall?  Any way around it, I am so tired of dreaming about being in the hospital!  Hubby says it would be weird if I didn't dream about it, afterall, it was a fairly traumatic experience. 

During my stay there I learned some things about myself.  I learned am passive and sometimes passive aggressive in my communication.  I learned that I don't feel secure enough to actually say what I need when I need it.  I realized that there are more body image issues than I have ever cared to admit to myself in this battle.  I am fighting for more than control.    I discovered, yet again, how a kind word and a smile can instantly change someone's outlook.  Thanks to the two people who gave me a kind word, a smile and someone to hang out with.  I was terrified when they left and I still had two days to go.  I realized that life has taken a toll on all of us, just some of us handle it less healthily than others.  I was surrounded by extremely hurt people.  It gave me perspective.  What if J actually had killed himself?  Who would have told me on my first day that I had a phone message and asked me to sit with them at lunch?  In the short time I was around these people I wondered how my life would have been lacking if I had never met them.  They were strangers and I felt that way, how much more I would feel it for a friend, how much more it would have been felt for me. 

Perspective is a good thing.  I am currently trying to switch mine.  This week the news came out that a player on the Denver Broncos committed suicide.  That has been difficult news for me.  Not because he is a ball player, not because I know him, not because he lived here in Denver, but because it could have been me that the story was about.  My brother in law was talking about this yesterday at dinner.  He said he didn't understand how someone could get so wrapped up in football that if the Broncos don't want you then you are worthless as a person and therefore kill yourself.  He said true words, that it is a shame that this player didn't know his worth is from being a creation of the Almighty God, not in how he acheived in sports.  True as the words were, they hurt me.  I wanted to pull into my safe wall and not talk, actually I did do that.  I was hurt simply because I suddenly felt like a freak because I have had suicidal thoughts.  I understand hurting so badly that everything seems hopeless.  I understand hurting so badly that I cannot see a way out.  I understand hurting so badly that I just want to die and never have to face life again.  I understand what it is to question your worth, to question God's love and to question if God is really big enough and willing enough to heal you.  The news hurt me.  The news sobered me.  I can't handle the news right now......

I also cannot handle CSI right now, or at least the episode that was on the other day.  It involved a patient at a mental health facility and also sexual impropriety.  I had to leave the room.  It was more than I could deal with.  I made delicious cookies instead while hubby watched the episode.  He's not insensitive, he asked and I said it was fine but that I couldn't watch anymore of it.  I am tired.  I am tired of life taking such a toll on me and on all of my loved ones.  I am tired of hurting.  I am tired of seeing those I love hurt.  I long for the day when all wrongs will be righted.  I long for the day when basking in His glorious presence isn't something I have to work for, but rather the ultimate peace and glory.  I long for the day when worship is more than a choice, a struggle through pain, but when worship easily and freely flows from every fiber of my being.  I long for the day when there is no more eating disorders, no more murders, no more sexual abuse, no more tears, no more gossip, no more bigotry, no more hurts.  Until that day, I will, having done all else, stand firm in my faith.  I know that He will bring beauty from my brokenness.  I know that He will continue and finish the good work He has begun in me.  And most of all, I know He is faithful, kind and good.

new therapist

I have found my new therapist!!!!!!!!  How did I find her?  Well, the hospital gave me a list of therapist who are in network with my insurance and who specialized in eating disorders.  It was over 2 pages long.  Talk about overwhelming!  I started by crossing off the ones I wasn't willing to go to because of distance or not being familiar with the area.  I put a check mark by the ones I was willing to drive to.  I then prayed over my list and asked that God would lead me to the person I was supposed to see and then started at the top.  I left messages for 2 other therapist before getting ahold of Carol.  She answered her phone and was available in the time frame that was required of me in order to be discharged from the hospital.  Yesterday I went to see her.  You can tell a lot about a person by looking at their bookshelf.  I absolutely love when a doctor has a bookshelf in their office, in a matter of minutes you are able to tell if you are going to like them.  Her bookshelf contained many Christian books that I have either read or heard good things about.  I was encouraged.  Then we started talking.  Carol is grandmotherly.  She has a comforting presence that makes me feel safe.  In our talking she says, "I see you have put on your paperwork that you go to a Christian church.  I'm guessing that means that you won't be offended if I occasionally give you Bible verses?"  As we were finishing up and looking to schedule follow up meetings, I told her Fridays are almost never good for me because I have MOPS.  She smiled and said, "I love MOPS!  I used to be a MOPS mentor mom, it is a wonderful ministry!"  So not only did I feel an instant connection with her, I feel safe, I feel like she can truly help me work through this, and we share a common belief system.  God is so good to me!  He answered my prayer for a good therapist and helped me to find her in a very random way that only He can take the glory for.