child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, September 4, 2014

longing to be whole

I dreamed that I was sick again. I dreamed that I was restricting like I used to. The problem is that I haven't been restricting so my body doesn't feel sick. In my dream it was the anorexia that every eating disorder longs for, the one that allows the control and euphoria of restricting while still having the feelings of being healthy. It was the lie that orange always promised, "You can be different. You can restrict and not get sick."

A lie is a lie, but for a moment it was a familiar lie that beckoned to me to try again. It was a lie that reassured me that it could be different. The dream came at a time of body loathing. It was a dream that made the idea of anorexia sound good for a moment. Maybe more than a moment. 

I have had to be extremely vigilant this week to maintain recovery. Illness sounds alluring; stress, a packed schedule, and an upset stomach have made it difficult to battle the allure. And yet I have battled. I have fought to remember where I have come from. I have fought to remember the pain when my family hugged me. I have fought to remember that healthy is entirely better. 

To this point, I can say I've fought well. I have had meals that would have been easy to skip because no one but me would have known. Now to continue fighting for my recovery. How I long to be completely whole. How I long for the day when those thoughts don't creep in. Though I don't know if that day will ever actually arrive, I will continue to fight as I hope for it.

2 comments:

  1. These moments can be scary. The ed is SOOOO good at sneaking in any way it can. That's why I have learned that it is so important to be vigilant DAILY even when we think we are fine in terms of recovery. It can catch us by surprise. That is something I am still learning to do.

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  2. Hey, I hope that you find the strength to beat ed. I have faith in you!

    BTW I've nominated you for a Liebster Award!

    If you chose to accept, go to http://lovelifehateanorexia.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/liebster-award.html
    All the rules are there, with questions to answer at the bottom of the post.

    Charlotte xxx

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