child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


The next two years are somewhat a blur in my memory.  At some point, though I don't know when, I started eating again.  It was never alot, but I wasn't completely starving myself either. It was somewhere near the end of my junior year of highschool when things got ugly again.  I started dating boys who were only interested in my body.  I had been sexually assaulted by a friend earlier that year and at that point began to discover the numbing grace of alcohol.

Between the asault, the alcohol use and the boys who cared only about how I could make them feel good, I started to feel my life rapidly spinning out of control.  That is when food, or rather the lack thereof, re-entered the picture in a bigger way.  I felt that I had no control in my life at all.  One day, I didn't eat, simply because I didn't feel like it.  I got hungry but I could tell my body no.  Anorexia grabbed a hold of me again with a stronger grip than the first time. 

The first time was about attention, needing it.  The second time was about control, also needing it.  I got such an adrenaline filled power rush when I realized that while nothing else in my life could be controlled, I could control my food.  I never ate because my body was weak and demanding food.  I ate because I wanted to.  The more things spiraled, the more control I exerted.  I didn't care at all about my body image at this point, only about controlling my body.  Because it wasn't about image but rather about control,  when I did eat I piled on the calories.  I didn't want anyone to become suspicious about my rapid weight loss and thus rob me of this new found power, so when I did eat, it was cinnamon rolls and milk shakes.

Again, no one really noticed, but I'm not entirely sure how I got away with it the second time around.  Somehow I managed to keep it from my parents and the couple of close friends I had.  And I'm sure no one else noticed because I was careful to cover up my figure so that it wasn't obvious that I had lost weight again.  I obsessed over my new found control and the rush I got from it.

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