child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, April 29, 2010


This post was difficult to write.  I have spent 3 days writing/rewriting it.

The alcohol use rapidly turned into alcohol abuse when my manager at work decided to have a very sexual relationship with me that I didn't want or like but didn't know how to stop.  When I didn't eat, I was in control but I still hurt.  When I didn't eat but I drank, I maintained my control and I didn't hurt.  It was a bad combination.

Hurt consumed my life.  Between drinking, smoking, and coffee, food was easy to avoid.  I'm not exactly sure how to explain what food represented to me during that time but food was the enemy, alcohol was the friend.  When I ate I felt worse, when I drank I felt nothing.  With the amount of hurt I was in, feeling nothing was ok with me.

There came a point, during the above mentioned "relationship" that I became incredibly angry with myself.  Whenever he approached me, I would just turn off my brain and endure.  One day he pointed out to me that I must enjoy his advances because my body did physically respond.  I hated my body even more.  In my mind, my body had betrayed me.

The perceived betrayal of my body meant that my body needed to be punished.  Not only did food completely move out of the picture and alcohol abuse completely move into the picture, I also started looking for ways to hurt my body.  My destructive path that I was on led me further and further from the healing, peace and joy that I needed and longed for.  I was on a fast track to nowhere, but as long as I couldn't feel it, I thought I was ok. 

Instead of running to God, I ran as fast as I could from Him.  What is it about us that makes us think that when we are hurting, we should avoid the loving arms of the Father instead of jumping into them?  I wish I knew the answer to that but I don't. I do however know I'm not the only one who has ever run from help instead of seeking it. What I didn't realize at the time was that though I was running full speed from God, He was still pursuing me lovingly and passionately.  He was putting people in my life who would graciously show me His unconditional love and would eventually make me want to turn back to Him.

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