I have been reminded that it has been a while since I have updated. Now that Hubby works from home and I go to out to work, writing has been something I unintentionally shift to a back burner. My preference is to write with a quiet, preferably empty but I'll take sleeping as well, house. I go to bed before Hubby now that he doesn't need to be up in the middle of the night for work. I get ready for work while he takes the littles to school. I have no time to write. Well, that is not true. I just don't make it a priority or time block for it anymore.
I'm doing ok. I'm not dealing as much with food panic right now but I am still walking through the heavy mud of depression. Some days have been dark. Some days have been bearable. Few days have been wonderful. I'm trying hard to not isolate, though there is nothing in the world that sounds better right now. Work has been a good distraction from focusing on me and my own pity party.
Today my father in law has surgery to remove the screen that they put in his lung to trap the blood clots. I'm trying to trust the doctors when they say it is a very basic surgery with low risks. It is hard to trust that when just a couple of months ago we thought we were going to lose the man I love so much. He is a pillar of strength to me, to my husband, to our entire family and the mere thought of anything going not as planned makes my heart quiver with anxiety.
Hey, if you have a moment, go visit Brittnie at A Joy Renewed. She is doing a great series on life with an eating disorder and today my very dear friend Amy's story is posted. My story, *gulp* will be posted tomorrow. I know I'd appreciate some support from those of you who know me and love me because it seems scary to guest blog. Why? No idea, I already lay it all out here but for some reason it is different laying it all out on someone else's blog to friends I haven't met yet.
Love you guys, sorry I've been MIA, I'll try to be more intentional and not block y'all out!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Swearing inside my head
This morning I am silently cursing the breakfast that stares me down. The breakfast that is one peach slice smaller than intended because of the panic in my head.
Yesterday I silently cursed my own body. The way it bruises too easily. The way it left evidence of the anxiety that I took out on it.
I long for complete healing. To never ever have days and moments of completely overwhelming anxiety that makes eating hard and self harm easy. But since this is a journey not a destination, I will press on thankful that I am further on my journey than I was a year ago.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
a note to the wounded
Wonded One,
Keep fighting. Keep pressing on. Keep getting out of bed when it feels like you can't. We need you. We love you. You are not alone. And remeber when you feel like you have failed that three steps forward and two steps back is still one step closer to your destination than when you started. You can do this, WE can do this, together we will fight and together we will stand and together we will overcome the demons in our heads.
Much love,
Dawn
Keep fighting. Keep pressing on. Keep getting out of bed when it feels like you can't. We need you. We love you. You are not alone. And remeber when you feel like you have failed that three steps forward and two steps back is still one step closer to your destination than when you started. You can do this, WE can do this, together we will fight and together we will stand and together we will overcome the demons in our heads.
Much love,
Dawn
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Rules and Regulations
I long for freedom from rules almost as much as I long for rules right now. I am struggling to keep my brain from overpowering me with rules. Rules, what I can or cannot eat. How much I can eat. How many calories I can have. The order in which I eat and the way I prepare my meals. The design and perfect order of how my plate is arranged. I am maintaining a recovery place. I am not using behaviors that cause me to stumble. I am also longing for the security that food rules give me.
I also desperately long to be completely free. I long for the day when I refer to my eating disorder in the past tense. I press on in recovery because someday I will be free. Someday the rules will be the past, someday I will not crave their structure. For now, I will settle for fighting the longing for their structure and stability. For now I will just keep fighting.
I also desperately long to be completely free. I long for the day when I refer to my eating disorder in the past tense. I press on in recovery because someday I will be free. Someday the rules will be the past, someday I will not crave their structure. For now, I will settle for fighting the longing for their structure and stability. For now I will just keep fighting.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
containing the damage? I hope so
I wonder if there really is some amount of truth in the thoughts of genetics playing a role in eating disorders. I mean, it can't all be the crazy messages of false beauty because everyone hears them but not everyone gets trapped in the dark world of eating disorders. Majority of the women that I talk to are trapped by the messages that their bodies are not good enough, pretty enough or small enough. But majority of the women I know do not end up starving themselves or purging their ingested nutrients. Is it possible that like other diseases that there are physical factors that make one more susceptible to an eating disorder?
I have been walking through some big and often scary things with one of my children. I have only one who I worry about as far as food issues go. I have one who has for years now been more sensitive about food, body size and weight than is probably normal or healthy for his age. This is the child who sometimes refuses to eat, claiming he isn't really hungry. This is the child who talks about losing weight. This is the child who talks about one day diets. This is the child who sometimes mentions that he feels a little lighter that day. This is the child who we are specific in not mentioning pants sizes with because he is an average waist size but his brother is a slim sized pant. This is the child who the pediatrician specifically has told me to keep an eye on his habits and behaviors to make sure that if he starts sliding down that path that we can help him before it is too late and he is trapped.
Recently he had a school assignment that involved writing about why healthy breakfast is important. He really struggled with it. As I dug a little deeper I discovered that he doesn't believe that any breakfast is important at all much less healthy breakfast. We read articles online about breakfast. One headline caught his eye about how eating breakfast can help you lose weight. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mom, that doesn't even make sense. Eating food is what makes you fat." A part of me died when he said that and I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.
I helped him look up articles about metabolism, breakfast, fueling the body. We looked at many that were geared directly toward the nutrition that children need to grow and to feed their brains. I could see him finally starting to accept some of the information but that didn't happen until we hit WebMD. That was the only site he was willing to trust somewhat, albeit reluctantly, because actual doctors wrote the articles and did the video interviews. For three hours we read and talked and hung out together discussing what we had learned. He finally had enough of an arsenal that he felt like he could do the assignment.
Later in the kitchen he was writing and he informed me that his friend's parent probably don't know the same information that he had just learned. I asked why and he told me that that these particular parents are on a diet and trying to lose weight. He said that they usually skip breakfast because the other two meals they have planned for the day are too high in calories and they don't want to go over their amount of calories or they won't lose weight.
WHAT?????? Are you freakin kidding me????? Why on earth would you say stuff like that to children? What part of that sounds like information that growing children need to think about? My kids are growing. They NEED the nutrition. Their bones and muscles need to grow and develop. Their brains need to be able to grow, to learn, to be healthy. And all of that includes them EATING. Why do adults talk about their diets to children? Ugh, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach. I'm not blaming them for my son's views on food. I am however annoyed that they fueled a fire that has already been trying to gain ground for a long time now. I know it was unknowingly done, but I still don't understand talking with kids about diets. It is information that they simply do not need, they need to concentrate on growing up not on losing weight.
I'm sure that you know this, I went to bed emotionally drained and at a loss for words that night.
I have been walking through some big and often scary things with one of my children. I have only one who I worry about as far as food issues go. I have one who has for years now been more sensitive about food, body size and weight than is probably normal or healthy for his age. This is the child who sometimes refuses to eat, claiming he isn't really hungry. This is the child who talks about losing weight. This is the child who talks about one day diets. This is the child who sometimes mentions that he feels a little lighter that day. This is the child who we are specific in not mentioning pants sizes with because he is an average waist size but his brother is a slim sized pant. This is the child who the pediatrician specifically has told me to keep an eye on his habits and behaviors to make sure that if he starts sliding down that path that we can help him before it is too late and he is trapped.
Recently he had a school assignment that involved writing about why healthy breakfast is important. He really struggled with it. As I dug a little deeper I discovered that he doesn't believe that any breakfast is important at all much less healthy breakfast. We read articles online about breakfast. One headline caught his eye about how eating breakfast can help you lose weight. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mom, that doesn't even make sense. Eating food is what makes you fat." A part of me died when he said that and I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.
I helped him look up articles about metabolism, breakfast, fueling the body. We looked at many that were geared directly toward the nutrition that children need to grow and to feed their brains. I could see him finally starting to accept some of the information but that didn't happen until we hit WebMD. That was the only site he was willing to trust somewhat, albeit reluctantly, because actual doctors wrote the articles and did the video interviews. For three hours we read and talked and hung out together discussing what we had learned. He finally had enough of an arsenal that he felt like he could do the assignment.
Later in the kitchen he was writing and he informed me that his friend's parent probably don't know the same information that he had just learned. I asked why and he told me that that these particular parents are on a diet and trying to lose weight. He said that they usually skip breakfast because the other two meals they have planned for the day are too high in calories and they don't want to go over their amount of calories or they won't lose weight.
WHAT?????? Are you freakin kidding me????? Why on earth would you say stuff like that to children? What part of that sounds like information that growing children need to think about? My kids are growing. They NEED the nutrition. Their bones and muscles need to grow and develop. Their brains need to be able to grow, to learn, to be healthy. And all of that includes them EATING. Why do adults talk about their diets to children? Ugh, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach. I'm not blaming them for my son's views on food. I am however annoyed that they fueled a fire that has already been trying to gain ground for a long time now. I know it was unknowingly done, but I still don't understand talking with kids about diets. It is information that they simply do not need, they need to concentrate on growing up not on losing weight.
I'm sure that you know this, I went to bed emotionally drained and at a loss for words that night.
Friday, January 25, 2013
What if I just jumped in?
Yesterday at MOMSnext (think MOPS but for moms with school aged kids) the speaker posed a couple of questions. These questions have been gnawing at me anyway but hearing them verbalized quickened the nudging in my own soul. She asked, What is it that God is calling you to dive into? You know what it is because it has already been nagging at your brain. What is the voice in your head saying that is preventing you from stepping out into that calling?
I had planned on either not answering or keeping it shallow. Several ladies that I work with are in my MOMSnext group and I didn't really want to bare my soul in front of coworkers. But if you know me at all, you know that if you directly ask me a question, I will give you a direct answer. I don't lie well and I really don't see the point of lying anyway. I tend to be far more of an open book than is probably beneficial. So I answered the questions when my coworker looked me in the eye and said, "So what about you Dawn? What is God doing in your life, how is He moving and how is He asking you to plunge all in?" And here is the truth about what is going on in my heart.
What is God asking me to plunge in to? I'm supposed to write. And over the last year I have been feeling a nagging at my soul that the writing is supposed to turn into speaking at some point. When I came to my current job, I felt very strongly that the Lord was telling me that it is a place where He will grow me and stretch me, that it is to be a training ground for wherever He takes me next. I don't want to stretch and grow. Growing hurts. God and I have been battling that out for a while now.
What is the voice in my head that is keeping me from doing what God is calling me to? No one wants to hear my story, no one wants to listen to what I have to say. That is the voice in my head.
And then there is the fear of the ripple effect of how this will impact the lives of my family outside of Hubby and the kids. My in-laws are the most private people on the planet and I'm pretty sure that as much as they love me, they think I share WAAAAAAAAY too much. My parents, well that is its own complicated drama. I also want to find the boundary of while telling my story, protecting other people's stories. Other stories play into my story and I want to find a way to be true to myself without crossing over into a realm of gossip and divulging things that are not my place to divulge.
I'd rather follow God's leading in a small and safe area than step out in faith. I'd rather write on a blog that I don't advertise that each post gets between 5-15 views. I'd rather not speak at all. What if God leads me big and I totally blow it? What if I cause more than a ripple effect in my family and instead of ripple circles, huge tsunami wave wash over us and leave a wake of devastation?
I'm terrified to take that step. I love to write, it ignites my soul, and I have no earthly clue what I would do if more than a couple of dozen people were to see something that I wrote. I have no college degree. I'm sure my writing would drive more than a couple of grammar snobs or editors completely bonkers. It isn't perfect, neither am I. What if being imperfect is not really what people want to see?
I had planned on either not answering or keeping it shallow. Several ladies that I work with are in my MOMSnext group and I didn't really want to bare my soul in front of coworkers. But if you know me at all, you know that if you directly ask me a question, I will give you a direct answer. I don't lie well and I really don't see the point of lying anyway. I tend to be far more of an open book than is probably beneficial. So I answered the questions when my coworker looked me in the eye and said, "So what about you Dawn? What is God doing in your life, how is He moving and how is He asking you to plunge all in?" And here is the truth about what is going on in my heart.
What is God asking me to plunge in to? I'm supposed to write. And over the last year I have been feeling a nagging at my soul that the writing is supposed to turn into speaking at some point. When I came to my current job, I felt very strongly that the Lord was telling me that it is a place where He will grow me and stretch me, that it is to be a training ground for wherever He takes me next. I don't want to stretch and grow. Growing hurts. God and I have been battling that out for a while now.
What is the voice in my head that is keeping me from doing what God is calling me to? No one wants to hear my story, no one wants to listen to what I have to say. That is the voice in my head.
And then there is the fear of the ripple effect of how this will impact the lives of my family outside of Hubby and the kids. My in-laws are the most private people on the planet and I'm pretty sure that as much as they love me, they think I share WAAAAAAAAY too much. My parents, well that is its own complicated drama. I also want to find the boundary of while telling my story, protecting other people's stories. Other stories play into my story and I want to find a way to be true to myself without crossing over into a realm of gossip and divulging things that are not my place to divulge.
I'd rather follow God's leading in a small and safe area than step out in faith. I'd rather write on a blog that I don't advertise that each post gets between 5-15 views. I'd rather not speak at all. What if God leads me big and I totally blow it? What if I cause more than a ripple effect in my family and instead of ripple circles, huge tsunami wave wash over us and leave a wake of devastation?
I'm terrified to take that step. I love to write, it ignites my soul, and I have no earthly clue what I would do if more than a couple of dozen people were to see something that I wrote. I have no college degree. I'm sure my writing would drive more than a couple of grammar snobs or editors completely bonkers. It isn't perfect, neither am I. What if being imperfect is not really what people want to see?
Thursday, January 10, 2013
recovery or recovering
Today I feel like I am "doing recovery" rather than recovering. I think you have to have experienced recovery in some form for that to fully make sense. I am tired. But I'm tired because I'm depressed not because I haven't gotten enough sleep.
Yesterday, once again, I begged God to heal me. I promised Him the world, just make this heaviness go away. PLEASE! Instead He filled my ride to work with songs about trusting God even through the pain, songs about how His love doesn't fail us even through the dark times, songs of reassurance but no songs of healing.
So once again, with a heavy heart, I am asked to trust what I cannot feel. And I do. And I will. Even if the heaviness never leaves, He is God and He is good.
I saw this on Facebook last week. I have to share it because it is true.
Yeah, I really am glad. I'm glad you're here still. I'm even glad I'm here still. Keep pressing on. Keep hanging on. Keep doing recovery even when you feel like you are doing recovery not recovering. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep doing the next right thing. And next year we can all gather around each other and be glad that we are still here.
Yesterday, once again, I begged God to heal me. I promised Him the world, just make this heaviness go away. PLEASE! Instead He filled my ride to work with songs about trusting God even through the pain, songs about how His love doesn't fail us even through the dark times, songs of reassurance but no songs of healing.
So once again, with a heavy heart, I am asked to trust what I cannot feel. And I do. And I will. Even if the heaviness never leaves, He is God and He is good.
I saw this on Facebook last week. I have to share it because it is true.
Yeah, I really am glad. I'm glad you're here still. I'm even glad I'm here still. Keep pressing on. Keep hanging on. Keep doing recovery even when you feel like you are doing recovery not recovering. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep doing the next right thing. And next year we can all gather around each other and be glad that we are still here.
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