child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Friday, May 14, 2010

not perfect

I know I jump around a bit in my blog, from the past to present.  Sorry if it is confusing.  I jump because, simply said, I am not perfect.  Today I write because yesterday I was given both something terrifying to me and something to ponder.  The thing that terrified me was discovering that someone reads this for answers in their own life.  Someone reading this is actually being affected by a horrible battle with anorexia.  I don't need to give more detail but I am now aware of someone reading for help not just to hear my story and know me more.

It seems like a suddenly overwhelming responsibility.  What if my answers aren't right?  But on the other hand, isn't that what my prayer was in starting this blog, that even one person would be ministered to?  I am praying for a person I've never met and people who love that person.  I'm praying for someone who the Lord has lead to me in an indirect way.  Isn't that the reason I share?  Isn't the reason I tell the gross details of my life so that the Lord can use my life, my story and His redemption to draw someone to Him?  Yes, indeed, that is the reason.  And I must now trust that He called me to this for a purpose.

You want to know the blunt honest truth?  When the Lord started asking me to tell others my story, I was in the middle of the worst anorexic battle that I have had in at least 10 years.  I argued with God simply because I didn't see how He could use me to help others through when at that moment I was deeply in the thick of it again myself.  I'm not perfect, I still sometimes struggle with something that hurts me.  I once read that it takes 7 years of being healthy to say that you have overcome an eating disorder.  For some that may be true.  For me, it has proven to be a lifelong battle so far.  I was healthy for 7 yrs before I had any inkling of a struggle.  I thought I had conquered it and was shocked when it reared its ugly head again.

Over the last 3 years there have been a few times that I have struggled.  Most of the struggles have been fairly minor until this last one.  The last one lasted for a longer time than the smaller struggles and was much more emotionally charged.  I think I'll blog the details at another time because that isn't really the direction of this blog.  The direction of this blog is that someone else is struggling and looking at my broken life.  It's not a perfect life but I see God's redemptive hand so much in my story and my life.  There is a chance that I will struggle for my entire life, but I know that God is faithful to me.  I know that in the midst of my crazy and changing life, He is unchanging.  He carries me when I don't have the strength to carry on.

As you read my story I pray that you find the courage to look to God and let Him be your strength.  I quit asking God to give me strength several years ago when my friend said she prayed that God would be my strength as opposed to asking Him to give me strength.  That makes so much more sense to me.  My strength is not near big enough, His strength is perfect.  As you read my story I hope you realize that it is my story, not everyone's story.  I hope that through it all you see that even though I don't know all the answers, I have faith and hope in the One Unchanging Creator of all.  It is because of Him alone that my story is even worth sharing.  Had He not redeemed me from the pit, I would still be a broken little girl with no trust in humanity who was searching for anything to dull the emotional turmoil and pain I was in.  Only because of His great grace and mercy is there anything of beauty in my life.

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