After breaking up with that guy, I "rebelled" for a few weeks and ate. It was just too much work and soon I just didn't have the energy to keep trying. It was a slow downward slope. I ate when I went out on dates because guys were always complaining about girls who wouldn't eat on a date. Besides, they were paying. Other than that, eating just took too much emotional energy. I went out with friends every week after our home Bible study. There were always a lot of people. I would still not eat but no one realized it. I would order something to "share" with a friend. The food would come to the table but I would disappear to another table to chat with friends. I payed for an obscene amount of food that I never ate just to keep the questions at bay. Even the people who went in halves on food with me didn't catch me until one day I finally confessed what I was doing. The confession was another year down the road though. I was emotionally exhausted all the time and not eating was making me physically exhausted and being physically exhausted made me have no energy to eat. It was a vicious cycle, one that only sometimes did I care how unhealthy it was. I was more concerned with keeping my brain and body numb. I was wounded, an bird with a broken wing, but I wanted nothing more than to not have to think or try.
It worked for a while. I wasn't drinking anymore but I was somehow completely numb. If I thought about it, I knew there was hurt down inside, but I didn't let myself think about it. I just did what I had to do to survive. At that time it meant not eating because as I've said, eating meant concentrating and acknowledging there was hurt. Not eating had become a habit. I didn't have to think about it, I just did it. I thought I was protecting myself.
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