child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, May 6, 2010

unhealthy and exhausted

After breaking up with that guy, I "rebelled" for a few weeks and ate.  It was just too much work and soon I just didn't have the energy to keep trying.  It was a slow downward slope.  I ate when I went out on dates because guys were always complaining about girls who wouldn't eat on a date.  Besides, they were paying.  Other than that, eating just took too much emotional energy.  I went out with friends every week after our home Bible study.  There were always a lot of people.  I would still not eat but no one realized it.  I would order something to "share" with a friend.  The food would come to the table but I would disappear to another table to chat with friends.  I payed for an obscene amount of food that I never ate just to keep the questions at bay.  Even the people who went in halves on food with me didn't catch me until one day I finally confessed what I was doing.  The confession was another year down the road though.  I was emotionally exhausted all the time and not eating was making me physically exhausted and being physically exhausted made me have no energy to eat.  It was a vicious cycle, one that only sometimes did I care how unhealthy it was.  I was more concerned with keeping my brain and body numb.  I was wounded, an bird with a broken wing, but I wanted nothing more than to not have to think or try. 

It worked for a while.  I wasn't drinking anymore but I was somehow completely numb.  If I thought about it, I knew there was hurt down inside, but I didn't let myself think about it.  I just did what I had to do to survive.  At that time it meant not eating because as I've said, eating meant concentrating and acknowledging there was hurt.  Not eating had  become a habit.  I didn't have to think about it, I just did it.  I thought I was protecting myself.

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