child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Friday, May 14, 2010

something to ponder

My last post was starting to get a bit long so I decided to make a second entry to share the thing I was given yesterday to ponder.  I was informed last night by someone who I love an awful lot, that it was presented to him by someone else that I have control issues.  The exact wording, I believe, was "She has trouble handing the keys over to someone else."  The hearer of this statement had to think about it and finally agreed.  These are people who love me unconditionally, one who knows me inside and out and one who is very observant and all too often hears what I don't say.

My first thought when I heard this was, "Well, duh!  You are just now realizing I have control issues?"  But for some reason I couldn't verbalize that so I instead denied my need for control.  I asked for specific examples.  I work so hard to cover up my intense fear of letting someone else call the shots and yet these two people could see through my mask.  That is something to ponder! 

The theories of why I prefer to be in control (it was clarified that I want to be in control, not that I am controlling. whew, that's a relief!) were interesting.  I think there was an amount of truth in the theories to add to the things that I am now thinking about.  Hmmmm, new things to wrap my brain around and to surrender to my Savior.  This will be the story of my life forever.  I will always be finding things in my life that I need Jesus to be Lord over.  This time it is my desire to control my life instead of giving Him the control.

I love both of these people who brought this to my attention.  I love how they often unknowingly challenge me in my faith.  I love that they don't allow me to be comfortable.  I also sometimes despise it.  I still have control issues.  I'm just not exhibiting it in the dangers of anorexia right now.   God be my strength as I journey through this!

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