Be The Change You Wish to See

It isn't ok.  Assault is never ok.  Bullying, whether it be in the form of words, physical actions or sexual assault is not acceptable.

So I've told the story before, as least I think I have.  When I was in high school I was attacked by someone who had been a friend of mine.  We were alone in the chapel (private school, remember?), it was fairly dark with worship music playing.  He called me over to where he was and asked me a question.  We talked for a few minutes.

He told me he liked me and wanted to know if I would go on a date with him.  I told him no, I was seeing someone else.  Before I knew it he was kissing me.  "Well now how do you feel about me?"  I wanted to scream,  "I HATE YOU!  I SAID NO!" but instead I just froze.  I tried to tell him again that I wasn't interested.  And in moments that happened so quickly I am not entirely sure how it happened, I found myself on the ground pinned down. 

I didn't know it was possible for anyone to have that many hands, they were everywhere.  I couldn't move.  He was still kissing me, I couldn't pull away and I couldn't even scream.  As he tore the buttons off of my shirt and broke my bra strap, I knew he was going to rape me and in my head I said, "God, help."  Suddenly my attacker was against the wall as if he was being held there, staring at me with a blank "What just happened?" kind of a look. 

I seized the opportunity and ran, clutching my shirt closed.  I wore my coat for the rest of classes.  I didn't tell anyone at first.  I was so scared and so ashamed.  A couple of days later, I told a youth group leader and she gave me the courage and even went with me to tell the school administration. 

Here is the surprising part.  The school did nothing.  First they said I must have been mistaken.  Then they finally called him in and he admitted to it.  They gave him a one day in school suspension, which basically meant he did homework in the office instead of going to classes.  I felt really devalued.  My parents were pissed.

Now I know I don't always have great things to say about my mom and that I struggle with her a lot, but this time she did right by me.  She went in to the principal's office every.single.day for two months until that boy was kicked out of school.  He said he couldn't help it, that was just how he was.  They tried to tell us that.  My parents would hear none of it.  My mom finally went over the principal's head to the director.  Finally they acted.

A year or so ago I read an article in my husband's Sports Illustrated about a girl who had been sexually assaulted at school and the school refused to protect her.  Her dad stood up for her.  I remember reading it and being pissed that once again the school protected the attacker not the victim.

And folks, it is happening again.  Read this blog.  Ok, so Lillian wasn't sexually assaulted but she was still assaulted.  She was hurt at school from bullying, hurt enough to need medical intervention and the school is protecting the wrong person.  Her mamma and auntie are tough cookies though and they are advocating for her.  Her story has moved like wildfire across the country. 

I can't make every bully stop bullying.  I can't throw every starfish back in the ocean.  But I can make a difference for one.  WE can make a difference for Lilly.  I know first hand what it feels like for the school to say it wasn't a big deal, that I was exaggerating, that I was lying, and that he couldn't help himself.  I know what it feels like when the people who should be there to protect you end up protecting the person who hurt you AND IT SUCKS. 

I've written to the principal Nick Johnson (njohnson@hpsk12.net) as well as to the superintendent Dr. Johnny Scott (jscott@hpsk12.net).  I also wrote a note to Lillian to let her know that I stand with her and that she is worth fighting for.  I'm tired of hearing about bullies being protected or rewarded.  It isn't right.  Tonight I decided to do something about it.  It may only be one, but I'm going to stand up for this one.  And if I hear of another who needs support, I'll stand up for them as well.  Someone needs to change the world.  Why not us? 

confused and angry

It has been a rough couple of days at work.  I've spent Monday putting out fires, which is fine, that is basically what my job is - to put out emotional fires.  Today was a tear filled day.  Today I don't understand God's plan.

I talked for a half an hour to someone with a very broken heart.  Someone she knows and loves just lost her toddler daughter to an "undetermined cause of death".  The child was too old to be considered SIDS and yet no one knows why she died.  And I am broken.  I don't understand why a mother has to continue to get up and take care of her other child and go through the motions when emotionally her heart has stopped beating.

I don't understand how God uses things like this.  I am mad at Him.  I am angry at God that children die.  I am angry that another baby was born addicted to heroin while many of my dear friends who long for nothing more than the feeling of their own child in their arms are losing their babies in utero.  And I want to say I feel God's peace and I want to say that all the Christian cliches are enough but the reality is that I don't feel it and they aren't enough.

Times like this make words like, "God will work this out for good", "God has a plan", "God was trying to spare her the pain of life", and "At least she is in heaven"  painful and frustrating.  Will He work this out for good?  I'm sure He will.  Do I want to hear it right now? No.  Do I still believe that God is good?  Absolutely.  But can I tell you a secret?  Sometimes I even though I KNOW that Hubby is a good man, I still get angry with him.  Sometimes even though I KNOW that Hubby loves me, I still get my feelings hurt or feel lonely.  Sometimes even though I  KNOW it, I don't feel it.  And sometimes I feel that way with God too.

Even though I know God is good, I don't understand Him right now.  Even though I know God still loves me, right now my feelings are hurt.  Even though I know it, the feelings haven't caught up.  Right now the feelings are hurt and anger.  And yet, God is still sovereign.  He is still on the throne.  He is still capable.  He is still good even when life isn't.  He is still faithful to His promises and loving toward all He has made.  My anger with Him doesn't change any of that.

Thankfully He is big enough to handle my emotions.  Thankfully my feelings don't change His character.  And even though I can't understand what He is doing or why, I will go back to the song that carried me through days of infertility and miscarriage.

God is too wise to be mistaken, 

God is too good to be unkind. 

 So when you don't understand, 

when you can's see His plan,

 when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

Another secret,  I don't understand God's plan.  AND I don't really want to understand His plan right now.  I don't ever want children dying to make sense to me. 

Mystery

                         
I didn't finish the blog challenge in June.  Part of that was every time I thought about mystery I could hear Madonna's voice in my head singing

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone

I hear you call my name

And it feels like home

Not the entire song, just those first few lines.  And then I would giggle because I'm pretty sure that singing Like a Prayer isn't what blogging about mystery meant.  :)

So now that I've had a chance to think beyond Madonna, I realize why mystery gave me writer's block.  Mystery both terrifies me and motivates me.  The thought that today could be completely different from yesterday scares me.  Knowing that I don't know what today holds, good or bad, is frightening.  I so want to be in control.  I so want to emotionally climate control my life.  And I can't.

By the same token, mystery is appealing.  Thinking that today could be completely different from yesterday also brings a big sigh of relief.  Come to think of it, yesterday was kinda draining.  I'm glad that today has the potential to be different and really it will be different because even if I have a day similar, today will bring different people into my life even if they need a similar solution as those yesterday.

My desire to always be in control makes mystery an enemy but desiring to experience my life rather than endure it makes mystery a beautiful and alluring friend.  How I choose to view it may be different from day to day but in the grand scheme of things, I think that mystery has gotten a seriously bad rap.

Recovery idealistically and realistically

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Just Another Glass

Journal entry from an undisclosed amount of time ago in my recovery journey.  Substance trigger alert, It is a speed bump moment with alcohol.

Just Another Glass

If I have another glass of wine
Would I forget my name?
Would one more drink
Be enough
To finally forget my pain?

Can the sweet aroma 
Carry me away?
Could the smoothness 
Of the alcohol
Wash away my shame?

I know I can't forever hide
But just another hour please
To pretend that I am anyone,
Anyone who isn't me
Another hour to feel anything,
Anything except the pain
That threatens to overcome me

I need to start my period.  This entry isn't too far off from my feelings of hopelessness today.  I need to know if I am hormonal or massively depressed.  This isn't my typical for me but in reading through my journal today I realized how much I feel this poem today.

Niece

I'm worried about Niece.  She has been living on the streets and in shelters for months.  She called another family member last week, hysterical because she had been stabbed.  Turns out she wasn't stabbed per say but rather that someone threw a knife at her and it cut her arm.

This other family member went to pick her up and said she looks awful.  Niece has been cutting a LOT and has marks up and down her arms.  She also has needle marks from drugs. 

I saw a picture of her yesterday and wanted to cry.  She was wearing a shirt, not immodestly low-cut but low-cut enough for me to see that she has dark bruises all across her chest and collar bone. I am so heartbroken for her.  I wish I could help her and I know I can't.  She needs divine intervention, it is her only hope.

Swearing at Orange

It is amazing how a habit can suddenly become a trigger, a rule, a stumbling block.  I typically have the same thing for breakfast.  There are a lot of reasons, but the biggest ones:
~taste --> yum
~time --> quick
~cost--> cheap

It is also approved by my nutritionist.  It is safe, doesn't produce guilt.  It is easy to fix and easy to eat. Hmmm, did anyone catch how orange that reason of "safe" sounds?  I never had until this morning.

My body wanted something different than my usual and my mind actually recoiled.  I wanted eggs.  I had a full out, swearing battle with the voice in my head.  Suddenly my normal breakfast felt like a "have to".  I was shocked at the intensity of the argument in my head.  I was shocked that eggs didn't feel safe to me.  I was shocked that I felt that it had to be my normal breakfast or nothing at all.

I finally told orange to f*** off and made the eggs.  Then I had to tell her to f*** off again in order to allow myself to eat them.  It was a victory, I made and ate what my body wanted.  It was also a shocking realization of how much power that voice still holds.  It was a sobering awareness that recovery is still a lot of work, even when I am stable.  And it was encouraging to know that I have the strength to stand up to that voice now.  Eight months ago, I didn't.