Lonely

I've been posting more on my other blog lately. This one still feels like an old friend though. I'm lonely. Very very lonely.

Anxiety has been really high recently and has been manifesting itself in social anxiety. My staff Christmas party, team meetings, the ladies Christmas tea and even just sitting through church have all been incredibly difficult. Even posting to Facebook feels vaguely uncomfortable and far too social.

I do love my job but I'm struggling to go. I don't want to leave my house. I feel comfortable with Hubby. I feel known. I feel less lonely with him. I just want the anxiety to go away. I want it to go away so that I can function without huge discomfort every time I leave my house.

And I'm still lonely.

how anxiety affects orange

My anxiety has been really high for the past month or so.  Last week it caused me to call in sick to work one day.  Something needs to change.  I need to be fully functional.  As anxiety mounts, it becomes increasingly easier to not eat enough.  I'm still eating, don't fret.  It's just easy to not eat as much as I should.  My stomach is so twisted in knots that eating is actually difficult.

I'm saying this not to make you worry, but to hold myself accountable.  I have found a natural supplement called Confianza that helps tremendously with the anxiety when I take it.  I need to start taking it regularly again.  I let the anxiety get so high that I am incapable of getting up and going to grab it out of the cupboard.  Hubby has a few times asked if I needed it, grabbed it and brought it to me when I can simply nod with tears flowing down my cheeks but can't move to get it.

I need to start taking it daily again to help bring the anxiety down and make my life functional again.  I need to stop waiting until I'm hyperventilating and starting to go into panic mode to take it.  What's the phrase, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?

I most definitely need to get the anxiety under control, anxious thoughts also make orange thoughts really loud.  It seems so easy to try to gain control through food.  Though I know fully that not getting proper nutrition makes the anxiety worse, sometimes in the midst of it that is hard to remember.  Just because I know this doesn't seem to mean that is how I handle it in the actual situation.

I am grateful for the prayers.  I can tell you there have been days that I am certain it was God's grace through the prayers of others that has carried me through the day.  I know this too shall pass.  I also know the longer it takes to pass the harder it is to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.  This has been longer than usual and standing strong is getting harder.  Please pray that the peace of God that surpasses our understanding will guard my heart and mind.

I am still recovering, although I hate that fact.  I want to say 3 years should equal full recovery but I know that isn't true.  The healthy times are easier and not usually a concentrated effort.  The hard times are still a struggle though.  A struggle that I had hoped I'd be past by now.  I'm trying to be patient with myself. I'm trying to be patient with the work that God has started in me because I know He will carry it through and not leave me stuck in the middle.

I love you guys.  And I love the role you have played in my recovery.  Thanks.  Let's keep recovering together.

When feelings aren't truth but they feel like it

The text said fml. I acknowledged that I don't actually believe that.  But it's how I feel right now.

I love the people in my life. I'd take them out of that equation of the text.  I love things about my life.  I love being wife to Hubby. I love being mom to my Littles. I love my job,  even though today I was too overwhelmed to go to work and do my job.

So when I look at it logically, I really wouldn't say fml. I love my life.  But I hate my emotions.  I hate that with a life full of love,  I still struggle to see hope.  I hate that anxiety sometimes cripples me.  I hate that depression sometimes makes me feel emotionally bankrupt. 

Food is hard.  Not my because of my body but because of my emotions. I want control.  I want to feel the surge  of euphoria that being hungry gives.  But this time there is no euphoria only the empty darkness that usually comes when I've fallen too far.

I don't want to fall but I don't want to fight either.  I just want to give up.  I won't give up, I just want to.  Hubby is keeping me accountable.  He knows where I am and he's holding me up.  I know this too shall pass.  Until it does, I'm really grateful for those who hold my arms when I'm too tired to fight.

fighting side by side

We're all in this together right?  We are here to do life together, to encourage each other, to bear one another's burdens, to restore each other.  We fight together through this mess of life.  Today I want to fight alongside someone whose battle I've never personally fought.  Just because I haven't fought it myself doesn't mean that I should hole up in my corner of the world and only pay attention to the battles that have affected me directly.  Today is Mesothelioma Awareness Day.  If you have a moment and you want to hear the story of an amazing woman, strong and beautiful beyond belief, please check out:

www.mesothelioma.com/heather/awareness

Heather, I'm glad you are cancer free.  I'm glad that you are encouraging others in their fights around the world.  I'm glad I can share your story.

a walk through my mind

I have mentioned recently that I am noticing the healthy thoughts getting louder.  I'm back at a healthy pre-relapse weight.  I'm usually engaging in healthy behaviors rather than disordered behaviors.  To the outsider, I don't look the part of someone recovering from an eating disorder.  Even to my friends, I look healthy and therefore most people think that the eating disorder has gone away.

Sometime the noise in my head gets loud though.  Sometimes I look healthy but my mind is screaming inside of me for relief.  It has been one of those times this past week.  Like the day I ended up wearing an extra tank top when I met up with friends simply because I was unsatisfied when I looked in the mirror so I was trying to hide my body.  There was also the shorts day.  Oh my, the shorts day.

My shorts that I have fit in for the last 2 summers have been too tight this summer.  Yes, I know, that is a good thing.  But it doesn't feel like a good thing.  It doesn't feel good to realize that pre-relapse weight also means another clothing size bigger.  I've settled it by not wearing shorts rather than buying new clothes.  But this weekend was hot and my friend had given me a pair so I decided to wear them.  They were a bit too big but too big is better than too small and they were just long enough to cover the space on my thighs that touches again.  But my body felt clunky in them.  I felt like the hips were huge and the thighs accentuated.  How on earth do women wear shorts and not feel like I did that day?????  I applaud you if that is you.

Yesterday I changed clothes 7 times before I finally realized that the problem was the mirror not the clothes.  And then after realizing that, I still changed 2 more times. 

The healthy days are regular and beginning to feel consistent,  which is nice.  But that doesn't mean the disorder is completely gone either.  Days like yesterday take every ounce of my strength,  lots of prayer support and truly God's grace to hold on to my recovery.  It is awkward to still struggle when I look like I'm all better.  It is frustrating to fight what is a now an invisible battle.

I'm doing better.  I'm still recovering though and it is hard to remember that I still need help,  that I still need to give myself grace and that recovery is a journey not a quick fix.

anniversaries and healing

Today I want to celebrate a little bit.  It's an anniversary for me but not one most people would celebrate so just bear with me a little while I explain.  On this day 3 years ago relapse hit full force.  Typically one doesn't remember the day things started going south but I do.  I had been allowing disordered thoughts, actions, and habits for more than a year but then something snapped.  July 24, 2010 I drove to the airport to pick up a friend and suddenly every single calorie in my drink attacked my brain.

I panicked and restricted.  I restricted severely.  I exercised until my body collapsed.  It wasn't pretty.  It was among the darkest times of my life.  So why on earth would I want to celebrate the anniversary of the day relapse became official?  Well, because I don't remember the date that I started recovery.  I can celebrate today because I can clearly see how different my life is now than it was on this day 3 years ago.

That is part one of this post.  Where I was then.  And now for where I am today.  

I recently did something brave, something really brave.  Something I thought was a gift for my husband but turned out being a gift for myself as well.  I did a boudoir photo shoot for Hubby's birthday.  This is the 3rd time that I have purchased a package, and the first time that I finally had the courage to actually use it. I just have never been able to convince myself that my body is beautiful enough to take pictures of it.

In a random and quick burst of bravery I called and made the appointment.  Somehow I made myself  show up for the photo shoot.  I'm not particularly modest but I am uncomfortable in my skin.  How on earth that happens I don't know.  My hesitation wasn't about posing in my underware, it was about not liking my body. I'm not really sure if that makes sense but it does in my head.

It was a different experience than I could have even imagined.  It was actually fun.  It was empowering.  I felt pretty even in my own skin!  I didn't tell Hubby I were I was going.  I didn't even tell him after I had done it.  For two weeks I kept the secret.  Finally the day of the consultation I had a friend watch the kids, told Hubby I had a surprise for his birthday and drove him to the photographers.

He was SHOCKED.  He was amazed.  He loved all of it.  And then I was able to finally tell him what had happened to me through the experience.  I was able to tell him how I thought I was giving him a gift but how I had been able to relax and be ok  with my body during the shoot.  I told him how healing this experience had been for me.  I don't know if I can even fully express the healing this brought to my soul.  And at that moment he informed me that I was the best gift I could have ever given him.  The gift wasn't the pictures, the gift was me.  The gift was seeing me smile.  The gift was watching me begin to heal.

vulnerable

So I totally overreacted to something stupid.  I made a big deal over what was meant as a joke.  When he looked at me confused, wondering what could have possibly done to warrant my reaction, I started talking.  I talked myself into a corner.  And then I did it.  I blurted out something I didn't even really realize was in my heart until the words tumbled out of my mouth.

I now feel like I overshared.  I shared where my safe spot is.  I told him what I dreamed of when I was a little girl and needed to escape my reality.  I now want to rewind time and leave those words unsaid. I want to keep that spot only in my head.  I want it back.  I want it to be mine again not ours.

 I feel vulnerable. I feel guarded.  And I feel those things with the person in this life who loves me most of all, with the one person that I don't need to feel guarded with.  And feeling those things makes me feel lonely also.

I want to crawl into my head and stay there.  I don't want to be vulnerable.  Even though this vulnerable is safe.  I want to protect my heart but I'm trying to protect it from the wrong thing.